What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin By: David Letterman

10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner.

9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"

8. She and Governor Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips.

7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2."

6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories."

5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available everywhere.

4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs.

3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's.

2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe #12 on "Deal Or No Deal."

1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"

San Francisco 49ers interested in Condoleezza Rice

NFL Network’s Adam Schefter reported on NFL GameDay that the San Francisco 49ers want to talk to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice about a high-level position within the organization — perhaps president. Schefter said “a lot of people feel she could be very instrumental in procuring a new stadium” for the 49ers. Rice has not been coy about expressing her deep interest in working in the National Football League. She has said she wants to be NFL Commissioner, but she added, “I’ve decided that it would be all right to run a team, as well.” When former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue stepped down in 2006, Rice passed on the position, explaining, “Unfortunately, it came open at the wrong time.”

Top Ten Signs the Presidential Campaign is Getting Ugly By Dave Letterman
 
10) Three times Straight Talk Express has "accidentally" knocked over Obama's mailbox
 
9)   Next debate will be moderated by Jerry Springer
 
8)   McCain keeps referring to opponent as Senator Barack Hussein Obama Bin Laden
 
7)   Sarah Palin says she can see Joe Biden's hair plugs from her house
 
6)   Desperate attempt to connect Obama with the last eight years of Regis
 
5)   No number 5 -- economy so bad, writer putting everything he owns up on eBay
 
4)   They have resorted to "your Vice President's so dumb" jokes
 
3)   Obama claimed McCain's irresponsibility caused the 1929 stock market crash -- he's that old, people!
 
2)   Even Dick Cheney thinks they're being cruel
 
1)   Obama's gloves are off, McCain's teeth are out

"An Ode to Sean Hannity."
By: John Cleese

Aping urbanity, oozing with vanity,
plump as a manatee, faking humanity
journalistic calamity, intellectual inanity
FOX Noise insanity, you're a profanity, Hannity.

Some Friendly Advice For McCain’s Veep Vetting Team
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain doesn’t use a PC
Or a Mac, so he needs a VP
Who can act as his tutor
In using a ‘puter
And help with the phone and TV

A Humorist’s Lament

Madeleine Begun Kane

A humorist like me sure knows

How tough it is to write, compose,

And sketch satiric toons and prose

And poems.  It’s not without its woes.

For instance, Barry Blitt’s lampoon,

New Yorker’s well-intentioned toon,

Is meant to show as crass buffoon

The lie and bias-spreading goon.

The humor quand’ry, if you please:

This toon could fit with equal ease

In any right-wing, racist sleaze

And readily its readers please.

That’s why it draws this fit of pique

For spreading what it would critique,

Confirming to the knowledge-weak:

Barack Obama — Terr’ist Sheik!

Mastercard Revokes Bush Personal Credit Card

NEW YORK (CAP) - Citing "grave concerns over the fiscal prudence of the cardholder," officials at MasterCard have announced that they are revoking President Bush's credit card.

"It's not a decision we ever like to make, particularly with someone this high profile," said a MasterCard spokesman. "But looking at the way this man has handled money over the past few years, we owe it to our shareholders to make a pre-emptive strike.

"He only really used it to view online pornography and order cases of Jack Daniels anyways," added the spokesman. "He can use the RNC slush fund for that."

The news comes in the wake of Bush's current budget proposal, which makes liberal use of the terms "theoretical," "hopefully," "pretend" and "bend over." It carries a $423 billion deficit.

Visa is considering similar actions, as are several 'clubs' that Mr. Bush belongs to, including the Cowboy-Hat-Of-The-Month club.

According to administration sources, the two halves of the credit card will be saved for inclusion in the George W. Bush Presidential Library

The Lemon Contest

A local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little men came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

BY GEORGE

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech." --George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008

"Soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coastmen -- Coast Guardmen, thanks for coming, thanks for wearing the uniform." --George W. Bush, at the Pentagon, March 19, 2008

"I thank the diplomatic corps, who is here as well." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008

"Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008

"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 5, 2008

"And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq." --George W. Bush, to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008

"I'm oftentimes asked, What difference does it make to America if people are dying of malaria in a place like Ghana? It means a lot. It means a lot morally, it means a lot from a -- it's in our national interest." --George W. Bush, Accra, Ghana, Feb. 20, 2008

A Play...On Words
By: E-Mail

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Obama Vows To Outlaw Stupid Corporate Buzz Words

CHICAGO (CAP) - In a speech today before a gathering of business leaders from across the country, presidential hopeful Barak Obama vowed that if he is elected, he will outlaw the use of stupid corporate buzz words that have been clogging the arteries of commerce for decades.

"These buzz words are killing you, our business leaders," said Obama at the Fortune Magazine Movers And Shakers Of 2007 conference. "People walk around the office mocking you, laughing at you. Your name itself becomes a punch-line."

Asked to elaborate on exactly what type of "buzz words" to which he was referring, Obama was quick to respond.

"Right-sizing. Knowledge acquisition. 30,000-foot view. Unsiloing. Process-flow analysis. Value-added. Bottom-line. Reinvent the wheel. Dynamic metrics. Integrated efficiencies. Synergistic interfaces. Plug-and-play. Notwithstanding. That said. Turn-key solution." Obama paused for emphasis.

"These are all words and phrases that dumb people use to sound smart. It's ludicrous. I mean, if you are in a meeting and you say From a 30,000 foot view, this looks like a great idea, aren't you just saying that you are too stupid to look at the details of the proposal to figure out if it will actually work? Your employees lose all respect for you.

"That's why when I take my chair in the Oval Office, one of my first orders of business will be to outlaw these inane words and phrases," he added as the applause built. "I'm really just saving you from yourselves, you morons."

According to University of North Dakota language professor Ed Donatello, Obama is not the first public figure to speak out against the onslaught of buzz words.

"Shecky Greene did a whole bit about how stupid these buzz words were as part of his Vegas act back in the late '80s," said Donatello. "Audiences loved it. People really love it when comedians make fun of other people that are much richer and more successful than they are. It's cathartic."

Rhonda Bennett of the National Council of Leadership issued a strongly worded statement objecting to Obama's plan.

"How does Barak plan to embrace strategic relationships and team-build with the business community when he's attacking us like this," said Bennett. "They say you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but if you lead a horse to the same water, can you not make him drink?

"I really feel like a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and if this man plans to be our next president, he will need to learn that integrated metrics and dynamic efficiencies are key to the success of this country. Intuitive. Benchmark. Cross-platform. Leverage!" Bennett said vehemently.

No comment has been issued by the Republican party, due mainly to the fact that most of the words they would use were on Obama's list.

BY GEORGE

"The decisions we make in Washington have a direct impact on the people in our country, obviously." --George W. Bush, New Albany, Ind., Nov. 13, 2007

"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it." --George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Nov. 10, 2007

"In other words, he was given an option: Are you with us or are you not with us? And he made a clear decision to be with us, and he's acted on that advice." --George W. Bush, on President Pervez Musharraf, Crawford, Texas, Nov. 10, 2007

"We're going to -- we'll be sending a person on the ground there pretty soon to help implement the malaria initiative, and that initiative will mean spreading nets and insecticides throughout the country so that we can see a reduction in death of young children that -- a death that we can cure." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 18, 2007

"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone." --George W. Bush, San Diego, Calif., Oct. 25, 2007

"My hearts are with the Jeffcoats right now, that's what I'm thinking." --George W. Bush, after meeting with California wildfire victims Kendra and Jay Jeffcoat, San Diego, Calif., Oct. 25, 2007

"I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --George W. Bush, on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007

"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

"I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.'" --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

"You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket -- in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it -- they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

A Trio Of Limericks For Idaho Senator Larry Craig

By Madeleine Begun Kane

Craig confessed to a crime in the loo

He proclaims that he never would do,

Cuz he’s straight as can be:

He was just there to pee,

And perversions he’d always eschew.

When Larry was under arrest,

He was stressed, which is why he confessed.

All his actions are pure

And he’s really demure

And not gay … except when undressed.

Larry Craig says he has a wide stance

In the john when he zips down his pants.

He’s an innocent man:

His arrest in the can

Was an error, cuz Craig ain’t a nance.

Stephen Colbert Condoms Help 'Let The Eagle Score'
By: David Edwards and Nick Juliano

Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert weighed in on the controversy surrounding a Trojan Condoms ad that Fox and CBS are refusing to air because it does not promote the condoms' ability to prevent disease.

Colbert deadpans that the decision to pull the ad, which features a pig at a bar turning into a good-looking guy after buying a Trojan, is "courageous" before introducing Monday night's The Word segment, "Porking."

"I understand that sex plays an important role in our economy. It's used to sell shaving cream, body spray, beer, cars, chewing gum. That's OK because none of those things prevent pregnancy," Colbert says. "Using sex to sell actual sex? That's a dangerous precedent."

Colbert offers his own alternative line of condoms designed to prevent disease but not pregnancy because they are "lubricated with Steven Colbert's formula 401 premium man seed."

The condoms promise to "Let the eagle score."

George W. Bush's Lips, Are Where Words Go To DIE.

"You know, I guess I'm like any other political figure: Everybody wants to be loved." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 13, 2007

"I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that." --George W. Bush, on former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun newspaper, June 27, 2007

"Amnesty means that you've got to pay a price for having been here illegally, and this bill does that." --George W. Bush, on the immigration reform bill, Washington, D.C., June 26, 2007

"This process has been drug out a long time, which says to me it's political." --George W. Bush, discussing the controversy surrounding Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, Sofia, Bulgaria, June 11, 2007

"These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." --George W. Bush, Sofia, Bulgaria, June 11, 2007

"Bush goes to Hel. That's what a lot of people want." --George W. Bush, on his visit to the Hel Peninsula, Gdansk, Poland, Jun. 8, 2007

"There's a lot of blowhards in the political process, you know, a lot of hot-air artists, people who have got something fancy to say." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007

"My relationship with this good man is where I've been focused, and that's where my concentration is. And I don't regret any other aspect of it. And so I -- we filled a lot of space together." --George W. Bush, on British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007

"What I'm telling you is there's too many junk lawsuits suing too many doctors." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 10, 2007

"You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17 -- 1976." --George W. Bush, to Queen Elizabeth, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2007

"I'm honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2007

"Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy." --George W. Bush, who apparently is no longer "The Decider," Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"Wisdom and strength, and my family, is what I'd like for you to pray for." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And the definition of success as I described is sectarian violence down. Success is not no violence." --George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"And so, what Gen. Petraeus is saying, some early signs, still dangerous, but give me -- give my chance a plan to work." --George W. Bush, in an interview with Charlie Rose, April 24, 2007

What are the odds that the two most prominent femmes fatales of successive Administrations share the same first name?  But wait, the parallels don’t stop there! It’s kinda’ like those spooky Lincoln-Kennedy coincidences. OK … maybe not.  You make the call, By Don Davis

10. Lewinsky is a Jew; Goodling hates Jews.

 9. Lewinsky blew Bubba; Goodling “serviced” Dubya.

 8. Lewinsky’s a brunette; Goodling ditches brunette to fit in with the “right-wing blondes.”

 7. Both love high-fashion headwear — Lewinsky a beret; Goodling the Jesus crown of thorns.

 6. Lewinsky: indiscretions enabled a political prosecutor; Goodling: indiscretions disabled apolitical      prosecutors.

 5. Lewinsky: comforted Bill.  Goodling: “comforted” by Alberto the Shill.

 4. Both avid readers — Lewinsky: Leaves of Grass; Goodling: would stick a Bible up your ass.

 3. Lewinsky: attended a real college, but no power as an intern.  Goodling: attended a fake law school, but makes and breaks careers at Justice.

 2. Lewinsky: Looking to party. Goodling: Looking to trash a Party.

 1. Both have yelled out “JESUS” while in a kneeling position.

VARIOUS LATE NIGHT QUOTES

President Offers Helpful Advice to Britain's Prince Harry on His Upcoming Deployment to Combat Duty in Iraq
Prince Harry Wales
Clarence House
London SW1A 1BA

Dear Your Princeship,

Howdy from your 9th cousin twice removed! You and me have never met, but we have tons in common. Namely, we both lucked out with the royal birth thing, and we both have stuck-up, kinda faggy fathers who ruined our 20's (and my 30's) by nagging us to stop swilling hooch and pounding cooch. So you see, I feel sorta close to you.

Can we talk blueblood to blueblood? I hear you're shipping off to Iraq with a phalanx of British Special Forces to watch over you. On one hand, I respect your lust for a history-making photo-op, all the while endangering your comrades who'll be more concerned with your inbred ass getting fragged than any hopelessly impossible missions they might have. But on the other hand, I prefer it when I don't need to worry about the anonymous disposable losers who fight and die in my personal war of revenge.

So please, get with the program and BEG your daddy to pull strings to score you a nice, safe gig at home – defending vulnerable kegs of Bass Ale from creepy carpet-kissers. And do it NOW, because it would be a real bummer for ME if I have to feel even a few seconds of guilt over you getting blown into little limey meatballs, or coming home as Prince Gimpy CrispyStumps.

Thanks, and remember, it's not like you and me are those twats who actually sign up for military service in order to protect their country. Only the little people have to prove they've got any stones.

Your Bud Cousin,

BUSH STRIPS LIBBY OF NICKNAME
BOROWITZ REPORT
President: ‘I Hardly Knew the Man’

 
I. Lewis Libby: stripped of his nickname 
 
Just hours after Vice President Dick Cheney’s former chief of staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty in his trial relating to the CIA-leak scandal, Libby suffered another setback as President George W. Bush officially stripped him of his nickname in a somber White House ceremony.

"Scooter Libby, you are Scooter Libby no more," Bush declared to the applause of Cheney and top White House aides. "You are now just plain old I. Lewis Libby."

Bush told reporters that he decided to strip Libby of his nickname because "I hardly knew the man."

Referring to Libby’s trial, Bush said, "Just like Lewis Libby can’t remember anything he did in the five years he worked here, I can’t remember him working here at all."

White House spokesman Tony Snow said that Libby’s former nickname, Scooter, would probably be reassigned to someone else in the upper echelon of the administration.

For his part, Libby was philosophical about being convicted on four out of five counts in his perjury trial, telling reporters, "One out of five ain’t bad."

"This verdict means that I was telling the truth 20 percent of the time," Libby said. "That’s still way above average for this administration."

Elsewhere, a lunar eclipse occurred when former Vice President Al Gore briefly stepped in front of the moon.

www.borowitzreport.com

TWELVE DAYS OF A NEOCON CHRISTMAS

By: David Phillips

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

AND – A…PICTURE OF GEORGE W. BUSH

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

TWO LIMBAUGH LETTERS

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

THREE LIES…ABOUT IRAQ

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

FOUR JOKES ABOUT… LIBERALS

ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

FIVE SHARES OF…HALLIBURTON

ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

SIX SENATE SEATS

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

SEVEN REPUBLICANS WITH NO…ETHICS

ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME: 

EIGHT DAYS OF HUNTING…WITH DICK CHENEY

ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME:

A NINE TRILLION DOLLAR DEBT

ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME: 

TEN TAX BREAKS …FOR THE WEALTHY

ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO

ME:  ELEVEN LAWYERS SPINNING: 

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEOCON FRIEND GAVE TO ME: 

SHEER…LUNA…CEE

Yoda’s World

www.YodasWorld.org

http://yodasworld.org/

December 16, 2006

IRAQIS ISSUE ‘THE U.S. STUDY GROUP REPORT’
By Don Davis

While all of the media attention has been sucked up by The Iraq Study Group, flying under the radar is a parallel report on the United States,prepared by a bipartisan group of Iraqi clerics.

“The U.S. Study Group Report,” also known as the al-Sadr Report, after the radical Shiite cleric, concludes that the condition of the United States is “grave and deteriorating.”

The Report points to a dysfunctional electoral system, an inability to devise coherent immigration or health care programs, and America’s disturbing obsession with crass game shows that feature scantily-clad women holding up dollar signs.

“Worst of all,” the Report continues, “the Americans can’t even coordinate the decibel levels of their TV shows and the commercials.”

The key recommendation of the al-Sadr Commission is the immediate withdrawal of Bush and Cheney from the White House, or at the very least, a timetable of 24 hours.

The al-Sadr Report also urges that oil revenues be distributed evenly between Dick Cheney and … everyone else; the dismantling of the Minutemen Militias and the L.A. Police Department; and to minimize intra-party sectarian violence, the permanent separation of Howard Dean and James Carville.

Although deeply religious, both Sunnis and Shia on the Commission unanimously supported a proposal that the Republican Party be embedded with people who actually believe in evolution.

The al-Sadr Commission urged the wholesale adoption of its Report, but also emphasized that in order to save the United States, one recommendation should take priority over all others: the removal of Bill O’Reilly and his No-Spin Zone to Baghdad, beyond the protective cocoon of the Green Zone.

Ode To Diminished Expectations
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Unanimous yeses for Gates,
Cause it’s clear that he has what it takes
To be better than Rummy.
He isn’t a dummy!!!
That’s life in our Bush-induced straits.

Health Spa Mirror

Ralph Nader, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance. He said:

"Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to
live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three," and he suddenly found
the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Republican-to-English Dictionary for those having trouble deciphering recent speeches and news reports:

alternative energy sources (n.) New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy (n.) A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.

"burning bush" (n.) A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.

Cheney, Dick (n.) The greater of two evils.

class warfare (n.) Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change (n.) Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism (n.) Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

creation science (n.) Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's
resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay, Tom (n.) Past tense of De Lie.

extraordinary rendition (n.) Outsourcing torture.

faith (n.) The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the war-makers."

free markets (n.) Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

girly-men (n.) Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.

God (n.) Senior presidential adviser.

growth (n.) 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

healthy forest (n.) No tree left behind.

honesty (n.) Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march.")

Republican-to-English Dictionary for those having trouble deciphering recent speeches and news reports  (continued):

"House of Representatives (n.) Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).

insanity (n.) See: staying the course.

laziness (n.) When the poor are not working.

leisure time (n.) When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) (n.) Followers of the Antichrist.

No Child Left Behind (riff.) There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society (n.) 1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth. 2. A political system in which all power is in the hands of the owners.

Patriot Act (n.) 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

pro-life (adj.) Valuing human life up until birth.

senate (n.) Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.

simplify (v.) To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course (interj.[slang]) Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity).

stuff happens (interj.[slang]) I don't have to live in Baghdad.

the poor (n.) losers who fail to avail themselves of the abundant
opportunities of this Great Nation.

truth (n.) something, sometimes called facts, that blocks reality as seen by men of unlimited vision & thus is to be denied existance

voter fraud (n.) A significant minority turnout.

woman (n.) 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

"War - except in self-defense - is a failure of moral imagination, political nerve and diplomacy." ~~ Bill Moyers

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. But don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf In the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all of your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, in public, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To Go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical music all day.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're just not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, 'Rock Bottom'.

17. When your money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity, email this to someone to make them smile and laugh, it's called therapy!

Hot Air Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat in a lake below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

By George

"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience."— George W. Bush

"You know, I don't email, however. And there's a reason. I don't want you reading my personal stuff. There has got to be a certain sense of privacy." -- George W. Bush

"The enemy cannot defeat us on the battlefield, but what they can do is put horrible images on our TV screens." --George W. Bush

"Trying to stop suiciders — which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion — is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow." —George W. Bush

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." —George W. Bush

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." —George W. Bush

"I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." —George W. Bush

"I aim to be a competitive nation." —George W. Bush

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." —George W. Bush,

"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it — I'm going to repeat what I said before — I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." —George W. Bush

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." —George W. Bush

Bush Reveals Top-Secret Alternative Fuel: Floam

WASHINGTON (CAP) - CAP News has obtained the transcript of an upcoming speech by President Bush that contains the startling revelation that Floam, the microbeaded ubertoy adored by friendless kids around the world with access to cable or satellite TV, is the top secret alternative fuel to which he's been alluding in his speeches since his State of the Union address in January.

According to Bush, alternative energy will be a new energy alternative for millions of Americans addicted to oil.

"It's squishy," said Bush as he made squishing motions with his hands. "It's stretchy, and it will cover just about anything. And soon Floam will be powering our automobiles, trucks, boats, and eventually our flying cars."

It will be the only fuel source to date that you will be able to squish back into its container when you're done, or let it harden and keep it forever - much like Vice President Dick Cheney.

In a multimedia presentation set to run with the speech, the Vice President is shown modeling Floam. He is holding a bright green flask one of his grandchildren created for him.

For nearly a decade Floam has been "fun you can feel", giving millions of Bedazzlered-out kids the opportunity to embellish toys and clothes with a substance akin to fluorescent bubbly sink calking.

In a White House ceremony scheduled for later this spring to promote the new fuel source, First Lady Laura Bush will transform a plain dollhouse into a Floamtastic mansion.

Coincidentally, a columnist for the Washington Post last week published a letter Bush wrote to a friend in college that suggests Bush has been 'researching' this alternative for quite a while. In the letter, Bush touted the hallucinogenic effects of "setting Floam on fire and then snorting the ashes." Bush told his Yale classmate that the high was "like licking your own cotton candy-flavored testicles."

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A source close to Senator Joe Lieberman has confirmed to CAP News that the senator will soon renounce his Jewish heritage and convert to Christianity.

"Joe just hasn't been feeling hugely Jewish lately," the source, who requested to remain anonymous, said. "And he's always wanted to try Christmas."

Apparently Lieberman's decision, brewing for a while, came to a head in late April. "Joe was surfing the Internet and he came across the site Jews For Jesus. 'Oy,' said Joe. He then spent the next two hours grilling me on the New Testament," recalled the source.

The source denied that this was an attempt to shore up the senator's support before what looks to be a bruising primary battle against Connecticut businessman Ned Lamont.

And what brand of Christianity will Lieberman call his spiritual home?

"Joe is still fielding offers," said the source.

Once converted, Senator Lieberman is expected to donate his yamaka and menorah to the Connecticut branch of the Jewish Property Relocation Operation (JewProp).

A Few Quotes from Stephen Colbert  at the White House Correspondents Dinner:

"I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with
the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world." -- Stephen Colbert

"The greatest thing about this man (Boosh) is he's steady - you know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday - no matter what happened Tuesday."-- Stephen Colbert

"So wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold.  I've actually got a summer house in South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University." -- Stephen Colbert, to John McCain

"To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me.  ...that may not be enough... Somebody shoot me in the face." -- Stephen Colbert

"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least.  And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." ." -- Stephen Colbert

Top Ten George W. Bush Observations About Europe

10. Europeans speak worse English than I do

• YOU MIGHT BE A RIGHT WINGER IF….
• you have bumper stickers that read "nuke his ass" next to "I support life."
• you believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.
• you support the AK-47's becoming legal. "It'll keep them doughnut eating cops on their toes."
• you think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.
• you believe "smok 'em out" is written in foreign policy.
• your rifle gets more fondling than your wife.
• you think no child left behind is a new bus service to the KKK rally.
• you use "uh" as the seventh vowel.
• you think Bush is the closest thing to God because of his ability to cause an apocalypse.
• you think David Duke is from Hazzard County.
• you are encouraged by Bush's C+ average scholastic history. "Gee, even you could rule the free world."
• you think 'Hail to the Chief' would sound better being played on a steel guitar.
• you confuse Stephanopoulos with Snuffagolpolus.
• you believe Jesse Jackson is the anti-Christ and Jerry Falwell should be referred to "his popeness."
• you are certain Bush has created jobs because you have three to pay for your heat bill.
• you think "Dueling Banjos" should be the prelude for every press conference.
• you thought "need some wood" in the debates promoted Viagra.
• you believe the Iraqi elections will be fair just like ours.
• you are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.
• you believe it was Clinton's fault for leaving to much money to play with.
• you think Colin Powell should be replaced by Cooter.
• you think Martin Luther King is the guy who built your street.
• you blame Clinton for having jobs to lose.
• you hate Michael Moore so much your thermostats read in Celsius.
• you think mercury in your fish adds flavor.