"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." David Letterman

The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes." Jay Leno

"Earlier today the Department of Homeland Security raised the security level from yellow to orange or as they explained it to President Bush they changed the colors from Bert to Ernie." Conan O'Brien

"I'm hoping they don't raise the alert to the top, which is just a black square that says 'soil yourself.'" Craig Kilborn

"The U.S. is now offering safe haven for Saddam Hussein and his family if he wants to go into exile. It's the same deal the Democrats gave to Al Gore." David Letterman

"We have a program reminder from CBS. The War with Iraq premieres immediately following 'Becker.'" David Letterman

"This week the Pentagon released a 380 billion dollar budget this year that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war he'll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself." Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"After Colin Powell's presentation to the U.N. Security Council showing evidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photos nothing different than a cartoon film. They were undoubtedly referring to the popular Iraqi cartoon show, 'Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory Fun Bunch.'" Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" Craig Kilborn

"Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations Security Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furthered his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of PowerPoint." Jay Leno

"Powell told the Security Council that the Iraqis are very cunning when it comes to hiding weapons of mass destruction, and then he showed them satellite photos of a camel with a hallowed out hump." David Letterman

"Colin Powell was at the U.N. talking to the Security Council. He was very effective and made a pretty strong case. However, he still could not convince France, Russia, or Sean Penn. ... Colin Powell gave a thorough presentation. He even had proof that Saddam Hussein bet on baseball." David Letterman

"Iraqi intelligence is still confused on how we intercepted calls on phones made out of coffee cans and string." Craig Kilborn

"Earlier this evening former President Bill Clinton appeared on stage with the Rolling Stones at the Staple Center. At one point, Bill Clinton asked Mick Jagger to dedicate the song, 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction,' to Hillary." Jay Leno

"According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan." Jay Leno

"In today's New York Post a man who went to Oxford with former President Clinton claims that at the time both he and Clinton dated a woman who turned out to be a radical lesbian. After hearing this, President Clinton said, 'Yeah, but only one of us married her.'" Conan O'Brien

"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." Jay Leno

"It seems a lot of our soldiers are giving their sperm and then freezing it before they go off to war with Iraq. See, the good part about this is they are building up their hand-to-hand combat skills." Jay Leno

"They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch." David Letterman

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien

"The military has a plan to make it impossible for Iraq to know the exact time that we'll invade. Here's what we're going to do, a cable company is going to attack them between nine and four." Craig Kilborn

"A lot of U.S. servicemen are having their sperm frozen before going off to a possible war with Iraq. You know what this means, people? A guy in the army did more before 9 a.m. than I did all day." Conan O'Brien

"The school does not need 'regime change'" Bart Simpson, writing on the blackboard at the beginning of The Simpson's Feb. 2 episode

"The state of Texas executed its third prison inmate this week. This week. In fact, they don't even have a last meal anymore, now it's a buffet." Jay Leno

"Following Bush's speech came the Democratic response, which this year was given by Washington Governor Gary Locke because Wisconsin's Alderman Eugene Slasinski was busy." Jon Stewart

"A record number of Americans watched President Bush's speech the other night. Well, sure they watched it, it's not like they had jobs to go to the next day." Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton said he enjoyed the speech, not the context of it, just the fact he knew where Hillary was going to be for exactly one hour." Jay Leno

"I guess you know last night all the major networks carried the president's address including Fox, which surprised me because they called the speech 'George Billionaire.'" Jay Leno

"Several European countries are criticizing President Bush because during his speech last night he didn't use the word Europe once. In his defense the President said, 'I didn't use any words that begin with the letter Y.'" Conan O'Brien

"I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times by really big words." Jay Leno

"All of the major networks aired the State of the Union address, but NBC got the highest ratings. After the speech, NBC viewers said 'It was a good speech, but Martin Sheen looked horrible.'" Conan O'Brien

"Only one of nine Supreme Court justices showed up for President Bush's State of the Union address Tuesday night. When asked why they didn't make it the other justices said, 'Hey we made the guy President, what more does he want from us?'" Conan O'Brien

"To sum up Bush's tax breaks, it's good if you're a real millionaire, it's bad if you're Joe Millionaire." Craig Kilborn

"Next month Saddam Hussein plans to answer back in the State of the Crater speech." Craig Kilborn

"I just finished watching 'Confessions of a Dangerous Mind' tonight. That's right, President Bush's State of the Union address." Craig Kilborn

"Earlier this evening President Bush gave his State of Delusion address. Very upbeat, he said other than the economy, health care, education, crime and the war, we're in great shape. We got nothing to worry about. We're rolling. Actually this was a critical one for the president. They said he worked harder on this one than anything he's ever done before. In fact he worked day and part of the afternoon and then he went and cleared some brush." Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" Jay Leno

"Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped." Jon Stewart

"Russia and China are joining France and Germany in opposition to what they say is turning into war by President Bush. See, that's how smart Bush is. He's bringing the world together, he's a uniter not a divider." Jay Leno

"Russian President Vladamir Putin called President Bush this weekend and urged him to give U.N. weapons inspectors more time. President Bush agreed to delay the attack and then he winked so hard you could hear it over the phone." Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again. Now if you don't Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who cheated on his wife with a skinny girl." Jay Leno

"President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration would challenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it fundamentally flawed. It's nice to know that while juggling Iraq, North Korea and economic reform, the president still has time to stick it to the black man." Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused President Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond of it.'" Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." Jay Leno

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." Jay Leno

"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" Jay Leno

"The Bush administration says it will file a brief with the Supreme Court over the University of Michigan's affirmative action policy, saying it's wrong to determine acceptance based on race. Bush said acceptance should be based on fair things like what private school you went to, who's your dad, how much money you gave to the alumni fund." Jay Leno

"Five years ago President Bill Clinton said I did not have sex with that woman. Or, as we refer to it here, the golden age of comedy." David Letterman

"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today. Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater." Jay Leno

"President Bush has declared Sunday to be National Sanctity of Human Life Day. He said we have to protect the weak, the imperfect and the unwanted. But first, we have to give tax cuts to the rich." Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. It's now down to 58 percent. I'm not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein." Jay Leno

"This is kind of a weird deal because President Bush's approval ratings was like 100, 110% and all of a sudden it is starting to slide. It's down to 58% and you know what I'm thinking and I'm no political expert, political pundit, but what I'm thinking when I start to see that old approval rating starting to slip, you know what I'm thinking? Time for a sex scandal." David Letterman

"Over the weekend, outgoing Illinois Governor George Ryan pardoned the death sentences of 154 inmates. Not to be outdone, California Governor Gray Davis is giving Hollywood celebrities one free vehicular manslaughter." Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, Joe Lieberman will be joining us. You may remember him as the man who came this close to losing the vice presidency in 2000. But he won, so now he's not vice president." Jon Stewart

"Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he's going to run for president. The man is so dull, they're already talking about replacing him with Frank Lautenberg." Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval ratings are at 58 percent and they keep dropping a little bit at a time. Here's the difference, President Clinton, his approval ratings never went down. Now, his interns on the other hand." David Letterman

"If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy." Jay Leno

"They say the guy on the Joe Millionaire show is only worth $19,000. Well, that's not true. With the new Bush tax cut he's actually worth $19,400." David Letterman

"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications." Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"