Jesus is a Friend of Mine...Catchy Tune...:)

John Hagee

By: Stephen Colbert

John "Jesus". Hagee (born July 4, 1776) is the left hand man to Jesus and the founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas, a non-denominational evangelical church with more than 18,000 active members who hate gays, muslims, ACLU, and democrats. He wants everyone to be a conservative waiting on Jesus to come back for us. If we don't read the bible we all are godless sodomites. Ask Barry Manilow.

Religious Leadership

Hagee is the President of God Hate The Constitution Foundation, he also telecasts his national radio and television ministry carried in America on 160 T.V. stations, 50 radio stations, eight networks and can be seen weekly in 99 million homes. John Hagee Ministries is in Canada on the Miracle Channel and CTS, and can be seen in Africa, Europe, Australia, New Zealand and is in most Third World nations that have televisions. He is also in competition with Pat Robertson to win an Emmy for Most God Like. Ronald Reagan's Ghost talks to him as well.

Religious Corporate Leadership

He is also the president and CEO of Global Evangelism Television, which telecasts his radio and television ministry. Hagee can be seen giving America some moral fiber on Sundays. Hagee has received numerous honors and accolades from national Jewish organizations for his unwavering support of Israel. He Loves America and our President. He hates frosted flakes and sinners. He thinks with his gut as well and condemn us all to Hell. Amen!

• Pat Robertson owns Diamond Mines in Wyoming
• Slap Boxes with Jesus
• Loves Jesus so much, he had Jesus name secretly tattooed on his butt cheek
• Pat's wife owns and operates her own advertising firm and is known to be unshutupable.
• It's a little known fact that Pat's wife is a husband beater. Although he would never report this.
• Pat has had numerous affairs, most notably with his best friend's wife, Mrs. Ralph Reed.
• Ralph Reed after being given the chance to affair with Mrs. Robertson declined as he knew what this would be getting into.
• Robertson suffers from night blindness and therefore cannot drive, unless he's drunk on Jesus' power.
• Can Do 100 Pushups in 30 seconds (God is his personal trainer)
• Robertson often calls for the assassenation of himself. He just wants to be with Jesus. But not in the gay way.
• Robertson's brain has been offered to the nation of Switzerland for use in gourmet cheese.
• Switzerland has dissavowed any knowledge of Robertson's posession of an actual brain.
• In response to Switzerland's denial, Robertson has vowed to gourmet someone new.
• Robertson defies all to out Jesus him.
• Jesus secretly hates Pat Robertson, but curiously loves Swiss cheese.
• Robertson's wife cannot be reached for comment, over anything at all, unless your famous or something.
• Pope John Paul 2 did not allow Robertson to refer to him by his first name, not that Robertson would have anyway.
• Robertson loves to rub elbows with famous magicians, magicians who are not famous, don't exist to Pat.
• Robertson has repeatedly been run over by Stephen Hawking's wheelchair.
• Stephen Hawking laughingly claims that random wormholes are responsible for his constant collisions with Robertson.
• Robertson refers to Hawking as a Swiss Cheese 4x4.
• Pat Robertson has secretly been replaced with Folgiers Instant Coffee, let's see if anyone notices.
• Pat Robertson has no idea that Jesus is avoiding him, thereby postponing the rapture.
• Jesus has claimed many times that Robertson is stalking him. This does nothing whatsoever to stop Pat.
• Robertson has stated the he sees Jesus in all Men, but is totally not gay for Jesus.
• Robertson funds all Michael Bay films, but especially loves those involving real life murder re-enactments of Jesus.
• Robertson is an accomplished folk guitarist. His band Folky Folk sold nearly 12 albums. Not too shabby.
• Robertson hates hamburgers, he refers to them as Jew steaks.
• Robertson will never wear the same tie twice, unless it's tied around his head, just like in The Karate Kid.
• All Robertson facts are copied verbatum from The Robertson Facts web ring.
• Unless your name is Jesus, not in the spic way, but the godly one, Robertson will not stalk you.
• You can't tell Robertson anything at all, if you attempt this, he'll reply, "Pat has heard that one before".
• Do not try to bamboozle or pull the wool over Robertson's eyes in any way. Pat has seen it all.
• Do not look directly at or taunt Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson should not be exposed to tempatures above 75 degrees.
• Farted one time and the whole CBN studio had to evacuate, he said it was the chili.
• If you look at Pat Roberstons name while upside down, thinking about candles and wax and doing the Carlton at the same time, you will be given a message directly from God. Only one person is to have been known to do this. And they are Stephen Colbert.
• Though undoubtedly the will of God, Pat Robertson constantly blames his colon polyps on Satan. I mean, check out the colonoscopy video, each cancerous bump resembles either a Catholic saint or Scott Stapp of Creed.
• Owns perhaps the world's greatest collection of negro lawn jockeys.
• Regularly buys larger than needed quantities of Leptoprin so he can shift them to "God knows who" for untold sums of money which he then uses to pay arsonists who in turn burn down "those blackie churches"
• Has breakfast with Jesus every Sunday morning.
• Pat eats his own Protein Pancakes, Jesus just has a small juice and some dry toast

Earlier this month, at the United Methodist Church's (UMC) Quadrennial General Conference, the UMCs governing body voted overwhelmingly -- 844 to 20 -- to refer a petition to its South Central Jurisdiction urging it to reject President Bush's presidential library, which is housed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

The library has received significant criticism because of an attached institute -- independent of the university) that will sponsor programs designed to "promote the vision of the president" and "celebrate" Bush's presidency.

The South Central Jurisdiction, which owns the university property where the library will be built, is set to vote on the petition this July. But some Methodist ministers are launching a public relations campaign ahead of the vote with the goal of "informing people about the partisan think tank" and Bush administration polices, such as the Iraq war and torture of military prisoners, "that some Methodists feel conflict with church teachings."

Rev. Andrew Weaver of Brooklyn "organized a petition drive that has garnered about 12,000 signatures from those opposing the library at SMU" but said, "This is really about the partisan institute, which will do the most damage over time."

Freehold, Iowa - The U.S. Department of Faith has delivered to the President and each member of the U.S. Senate and House the following proposal to incorporate Biblical restrictions on marriage into our Godly nation's otherwise embarrassingly flawed Constitution.  (In addition to the proposed amendments identified below, the Department of Faith has also urged each legislator to support repeal of the First Amendment so there is no conflict between the Satanic "separation of church and state" and the amendments below.)

Photocopy of White House Department of Faith Document

How to Spot Atheists and Report Them to the FBI

"I don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
-President George Bush

Unless you're Catholic or have been living in a cave for the last 20 years, you already know that Landover Baptist's Pastor Deacon Fred and Brother Harry Hardwick are the world's foremost Christian experts on the disease, Atheism, and its carriers called, Atheists. Both  Pastors have risked infection and death to speak at countless Atheist conventions.  Pastor Hardwick recently remarked as a guest on "The No Spin Zone:" "As long as there's twenty-four hour room service and they pick up my first class airfare, I'll give my 18.4 minute inspirational presentation to Lucifer himself! Besides, a relaxing walk through the parking lot outside an Atheist convention can harvest hundreds of car tag numbers for the FBI's computers. And with Mr. Ashcroft paying a dollar a tip, that can add up to a complimentary tour of the hotel gift shop, my friend."   

When not bringing financially sound believers to the bosom of Christ, Hardwick and Fred dedicate their lives to ferreting out and publicly exposing hell bound, godless liberal trash. And outside of the demon-possessed folks at the mental hospital who fling their own excrement up your nose, Atheists are the worst kind of unsaved trash a decent Christian will ever have the displeasure of rebuking. Thankfully, there are not that many of them.

"I've got to tell you," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "that from what I've seen in the last few years, there are roughly 300 active Atheists living in the United States. I know that sounds like a lot of godless nuts, but I'm not exaggerating just to get your attention.  Atheism is becoming a very serious epidemic because our projections show that within a mere eight years, our country will no longer have prison space to hold all of them. And that's not even taking into account the many folks who don't have the guts to admit at the family dinner table that they are Atheists, but spit in Christ's face in secret by failing to get down on their knees and repeat all the compliments He demands to hear. Most of the uncounted Atheists are in the closet and are too sissified to handle death threats from their Christian neighbors.  "They say they don't believe in stuff they can't see, but they are the very same people who tell you that Ben Affleck and that harlot, Jennifer Lopez, have talent!"   Brother Hardwick added, "Most of these closet Atheists are so ignorant, it isn't worth even worrying about them. Before they know it, their so-called Constitutional right to run around thinking for themselves will soon be taken away from them. My guess is that once George W. Bush comes through on his daddy's edict, that most of these selfish little renegade Atheist bastards will pick Jesus over Jail in a heartbeat."

"We are no longer talking about that tiresome 'free speech' thing," Mrs. Betty Bowers testified before a closed session of Congress last Wednesday. "The coin of the realm is rather emphatic in declaring, In God We Trust.  By denying the Lord, these willful Atheists are rebuffing our nation's sacred currency.  I don't know about all of you, but I can't think of anything more un-American than refusing to accept legal tender!  Clearly, we have ourselves an issue of national security. As all of you have enthusiastically endorsed by default, we are now waging a Christian war against nations with gods that unfairly compete with our own. How can an Atheist be counted upon to raise a weapon and kill men, women and children for Christ?  They can't!  That's your answer.  Every one of them is just an act of treason waiting to happen.  I ask all of you, since our country has taken to killing non-Christian Arabs during interrogations, why have our own domestic non-Christians been allowed to get off scot-free?  I can tell by the nodding of your heads that most of you see where I am going with this and I thank you in advance for your courage and faith."  

As a result of this inspirational, secret meeting, Landover Baptist has been called upon to draft legislation to address the problem of Atheist traitors living like cockroaches in our midst.  But you can do your part, too.  If you are reading this, you know of a practicing Atheist in your community, and would like to report him to your local police department, we'd like to tell you how simple it is under the current Bush Administration. Most Christians acknowledge that Atheists are so unpatriotic, that they believe the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center happened because there is no God to play favorites with humanity.  The truth is that our Lord loves only the United States and keeps a scorecard of folks who rub us the wrong way or don't give us their natural resources at a reasonable price.  "The hills of Hades are going to be crawling with the Coalition of the Unwilling, my friends," says Pastor Deacon Fred. 

In any case, it's important for you to report any anti-Christian behavior (whether it comes from Catholics or full-blown Atheists) to your local police department as soon as possible. Since the President of the United States doesn't even consider Atheists as citizens, and even acknowledges that they are a threat to our country, it should be no problem getting these so called "people" deported to France (The Home of Atheism). Please use the list below as a guide to spot an Atheist in your community.

      Five Tips on How to Spot an Atheist

1. Usually Atheists are pale of skin. They spend a lot of times indoors, because they are afraid to come outside. They believe the preposterous lie that Christians are trying to kill them, when in fact, all that we really want to do is force a quick conversion or to kindly place them in a maximum security prison for their own protection from devout Christians who may try to kill them.  Many Atheists will try to throw you off by spending time absorbing carcinogens in tanning beds, so it important to remember in hunting Atheists that many, if not most, have very dark skin, too. CAUTION: Do not confuse these artificially dark folks with genuine Negroes.  Real Coloreds need to be watched carefully around anything of value, but do not need to be brought to the Lord, as they all unblinkingly accepted Jesus as their loving God during Biblically-sanctioned slavery.
2. Atheists are overweight. The stereotypes of typical Atheists are the trim, granola cruncher who jogs and plays racquetball or the vain hedonist, party-goer who worships only her full-length mirror,  Recent studies have shown, however, that Atheists have become aware of these signifiers of their lack of faith.  In order to blend in undetected with evangelical Christians, most Atheists now tend to be morbidly obese and will tell you, whether asked or not, that their enormous girth is the result of an undetectable thyroid condition and not the box of Little Debbie cakes they are holding. 
3. Atheists have too many university diplomas! These folks are chock full of secular knowledge. They toss the Bible aside in favor of so-called, "research" and "theories." They spend their days studying and trying to gather facts and data to support their ridiculous scientific theories, such as evolution and gravity. Don't let it fool you, Christian Brothers and Sisters! All the secular knowledge in the world can't disprove that the reason we are all here today was because Eve got some bad advice from a talking snake! Atheists are too full of their silly "logic" to understand that only blind faith leads to sighted Truth.  Why, the homo-lovers in England have already accepted that most scientists are naturally Atheists. Don't let it happen in America! Report your Biology professor – or any so-called teacher who pollutes the soul with extraneous (non-Biblical) information --  to the local authorities before he recruits your child!
4. Atheists Deceive! Atheists go under many different names, but they don't have the common sense to align themselves yet! Use this to your advantage in reporting them to the police!  They call themselves, "humanists, agnostics, secular-humanists, moral relativists, Catholics, free-thinkers, undecided, Unitarians, and more recently, Brights." It is important to note that anyone who has a post-graduate degree or is interested in getting a post-graduate degree, is suspect!  Also be warned, Wiccans , Vegans, Yogists, and readers of science fiction are either Atheists or on the road to becoming an Atheist. Our job as True Christians™ is to use this loophole of time under the current Bush Administration to get as many of these God-haters arrested as we can before they do more damage to our country than they already have.
5. Atheists are afraid! Even though there are as many as 300 active Atheists in the United States, we can safely assume that if recent polls are correct, most Atheists are afraid to come out and say what they don't believe. It's your job to pull it out of them.  Put them on the spot.  Hound them at restaurants and on cruise ships. Don't take "I'd rather not talk about religion" as a answer. Give them one last chance to save their sorry souls.  Then, call the police!

Mitt Romney's Hilarious Religious Beliefs!

SERMON FROM PASTOR DEACON FRED & NATIONAL PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ALERT! 

Friends, I never thought I'd live to see the day when a Mormon cult member would be running for President of this Christian country. Then again, I said the same thing about that Mary Worshipping jackass, John F. Kennedy, and by golly - every uneducated Negro and unchurched low class liberal who thought Catholics were Christians voted that hell bound nin-com-poop into office! Cleaning up that mess was a little more complicated than loading up a plane full of deacons to Florida to take out some trash!  I believe we can avoid anything like the Kennedy fiasco this time around by making sure we put a stop to letting kooky religious nuts run for any public office!

Like everyone in the other 49 states we've had our share of busting a gut over how silly the Mormons are. We even take to calling them the "Morons," in our Religious Cult Studies courses at Landover Baptist University. My message about Mormons today is actually more for the folks out there using the internets. I want to assure this congregation that I am doing everything in my power to prevent even the stupidest Mexican who can vote from being fooled by this fruit-cake, Mitt Romney. 

You see, the Mormon religion is absolutely, hands down, one of the most hilarious made-up religions Satan ever boiled up in the Lake of Fire! But all tomfoolery aside, Mormonism should always be reckoned with as a dangerous cult -- because whenever you design a cult to appeal to stupid people, you are going to wind up with a lot of members!

I want to start by stating the obvious. I will list it out here for you:

What Does Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney Really Believe?

He believes that Jesus Christ is Satan's brother. He believes that God lives near a planet called "Kolob." He believes in baptizing dead people. He believes that Jesus is married to a goddess wife. He believes that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri. He believes that it was impossible for Negroes to go to Heaven before 1978.  He believes that Jesus has children from his wife or wives. He believes that he is going to become a god. He believes he will own his own personal planet after he dies. He believes the real Christian God is not eternal but rather that He was once a man on some other planet besides Earth! He believes he needs to wear magical underwear created by Mormons and he is never to take it off unless he is bathing. He believes it is a sin to drink anything containing caffeine. And that even includes True American™ drinks like Coca-Cola! He believes children between the ages of 18-21 should wear name badges, ride bicycles and always smile.

I'll let you take a breath for a minute, because I know you are laughing harder than the time I was up here trying to explain how the Scientologists arrived on Earth in a space ship piloted by talking, lava-dwelling sea clams. 

Friends, Mitt Romney follows the Book of Mormon to the letter! He believes it has more authority than the Bible. If you don't know what's in the book of Mormon, we've included the Sunday School training video below:

Folks, I'll wait a minute for you to calm down. I know if Joseph Smith were alive today he wouldn't even be able to sell this story as a mini-series to the Sci-Fi Channel, and those folks buy anything!  

I know in my heart of hearts that I speak for all True Christians™ when I say that the idea of Mitt Romney sitting in the Oval Office sends a shiver down my spine, and a small trickle of perspiration down the small of my back!  Lets take a stand and send this lunatic and all his pairs of magic underwear back to Utah where they belong.  We need to act now, less the Republican party goes down in history as the party for stupid American idiots who elect crazy morons to the office of President! 

Receive a Free Frozen Turkey By Accepting Jesus Christ as Your Personal Savior Before December 25th! 

LIMITED TIME SALVATION OFFER, WHILE SUPPLIES LAST! 

There is no better way we can think of to celebrate a new life in Christ Jesus than with a delicious turkey dinner given to you at Thanksgiving by a fully clothed white man! Our Christian turkey farmers in Freehold, Iowa are known throughout these United States for producing some of the most enormous fowls in America, using only the very finest of domestic steroids and experimental hormones. They have set aside former child daycare centers this season in order to accommodate this incredible new salvation offer. Unlike commercial turkey farms, we guarantee that our farms are 100% safe from turkey-buggering Native American Injuns and their wobbly-chinned offspring that can be identified by the feathers they wear as part of their Injun DNA. Each of our salvation offer turkeys has its genitals carefully removed and mailed to a synagogue or mosque of your choosing. This is done for your convenience and to avoid any unnatural temptations you might have left over from your former life before you met Jesus. This year, we invite you to use other turkey parts to make your delicious gravy! The turkeys are also quick frozen and specially packaged so they will arrive in your new Christian home only partially thawed. Since God has thawed your frozen heart, we celebrate this spiritual event with you by providing a gift that profoundly symbolizes your transformation into a reverent, genital-less being with a somewhat unfrozen heart. When you receive your frozen turkey, please share the significance of this special love offering as you witness to unsaved family members and friends! Please also use this opportunity to lead others to Christ by offering them some of your turkey. Be a fisher of men by dangling a drumstick on a string in front of a passed-out hobo's nose. 

This Sounds Too Good to be True!

This offer has no strings attached other than the strings that hogtie the mouthwatering, steroid-engorged legs of this wonderful gift! We can't make it any easier for you to get a free turkey. Just accept Jesus into your heart and demonstrate your sincerity by sending us a financial pledge in the form of a cashier's check in the amount of $500 or more.

It is as easy as that! As soon as your check clears, we will send you a delicious genital- free almost-frozen turkey of a weight commensurate with your pledge amount. Yes! There are even more gifts on the way!

Free Pledge Offering Gift Packages $500 8-10 Pound Frozenish Turkey $501 - $1500 18-26 Pound Frozenish Turkey and Autographed King James 1611 Bible (Pastor's authentic signature) $1501 - $2500 28-34 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, and Traditional Baptist Holiday Canned Cranberry Sauce Recipe Book $2501 - $6999 36-42 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, Recipe Book, and 1 Can of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce $7000 - $10000 58-64 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, Recipe Book, Cranberry Sauce, and Box of Complimentary Plastic Forks $10000+ 72-84 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, Recipe Book, Cranberry Sauce, Box of Forks, a Free Ticket To Church, and one can of Johnson & Johnson's NEW "Off" Injun Repellant

This offer is a stand-alone opportunity and may not be used in conjunction with any other Landover Baptist Salvation Offers. This includes the Playstation 3 offer, the Free Phone Offer, and the iPod Nano offer. Extra shipping costs will apply to Turkeys weighing over 70 pounds.

Please send your cashier's check confirmation commitment of Christ to:

Landover Baptist Church 
c/o Wexler Offshore Holdings
Salvation Offer #296 Holiday Turkey
777 Soulwinner's Lane
Freehold, Iowa 

The Pope's Message From Hell

Sermon By Brother Harry Hardwick 

Friends, normally I would stand up here and preach a sermon, but today I have a news flash directly from Hell.  It was so uplifting that I thought I'd share it with you.  It reads as such:

Last Sunday night, Pope John Paul II sent a message to his countless mourners via Archangel Michael (who translated the missive into English, the only language understood by True Christians™).  John Paul II assured his followers that Hell isn’t nearly as bad as he frequently preached it to be.  “First, I strongly encourage you to stop fawning all over me or those plaster busts of my head, as though I was some sort of ‘idol,’” the Pope’s message said.  “I learned the hard way that my countless prayers to Mary and the various saints (particularly Anthony, to help me find all those keys my shaking hands kept dropping) really irritated God, who was apparently serious about those prohibitions on idolatry in the Old Testament.  And Jesus, who testified at my brief trial at the Pearly Gates, was obviously not happy that his mother got so much deferential attention from my millions of followers. 

The Pope reported that the conditions in Hell are bearable, though far from pleasant.  “I had assumed that if I wound up here, at least I would be away from that anorexic, Mother Theresa, who spent her entire life trying to one-up me,” the Pope noted.  “But not so!  There she was.  Apparently, she, like so many of us, assumed that being baptized at birth and performing Christ-like acts throughout her life would be enough for her to eventually walk through the Pearly Gates.  It turns out that we both wound up here for different reasons.  I was told that my unshakable commitment to Old Testament precepts, despite the Christ’s superseding words, was responsible for my plight.  It seems I had just too much trouble dealing with all that acceptance, tolerance and compassion broohaha that Jesus preached. “ 

By contrast, according to Heaven’s press release, Mother Theresa never took the affirmative act of abandoning her sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-achievement by accepting what a miserable wretch she inherently was and asking Jesus to come into her life to supplant her intrinsically despicable self and make her a person of value, ensuring that she blindly follow the teachings of the Christian Coalition and G.O.P., without ever questioning their logic, motives or financial dealings.  After weeks of waiting in the Judgment Day line, where Mother Theresa had consoled Salem witch-burners, 1960’s Baptist KKK members and Pentecostal child molesters, the nun was whisked to Hell while her audience ascended into Heaven since each of them had at one time or another, sober or otherwise, asked Jesus to enter their lives. 

The Pope encouraged his followers to adhere to the Lord’s word, no matter how inexplicable, and avoid Hell.  “It’s really . . . hot down here,” he noted, censoring himself (through Michael).  “Plus, I have been sodomized by demons here on an hourly basis, though that really doesn’t differ much in kind from my pre-teen years as an altar boy.  Fortunately, the quarts of sweat dripping down my rear are almost as efficient as K-Y.  But it’s still better to have control over your own schedule and not have your moments of deviance dictated.” 

The Pope concluded by encouraging all his followers to go to Confession regularly.  “The videotapes of unsaved and consequently Hell-bound Catholics confessing their sins to mere mortals are just about the only entertainment we have down here in Hell.  And frankly, the confession booth tapes from those churches within former Cardinal O’Connor’s parishes are better than a Jeff Stryker video.”

McCain Pushes To Put Jesus On Dollar Bill

SALT LAKE CITY (CAP) - Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today called upon the United States to pay homage to its alleged Christian roots by replacing George Washington on the $1 bill with a more appropriate image, that of Jesus Christ.

The plea surprised some political analysts, who had assumed that McCain's reference to the U.S. as a 'Christian nation' in a recent Beliefnet interview was nothing more than pandering to the base.

"I dunno, maybe he did get loopy for the Lord somewhere out there on the Straight-Talk Express," one reporter told CAP News. "I had to cover that thing for two days in June, and I know I was praying to get the hell off."

Speaking at the annual Cattlemen for Christ convention in Salt Lake City, McCain said that his first act upon becoming President would be to sign into law a provision that would strip the $1 bill of the country's famous founder and replace it with "the nation's true spiritual founder, our Lord Jesus Christ."

"The beautiful thing about the $1 bill is that even the poor can afford them, just like they can afford the teachings of Jesus," McCain said to boisterous mooing. "Some think we should call it Messiah Money or Christ Cash, but I'm personally in favor of a shift in emphasis, from the one dollar bill to The One dollar bill."

While critics were quick to quietly question McCain's motives and the costs associated with such a massive overhaul of the nation's most popular currency bill, McCain's fellow Republican Presidential candidates were left scrambling to one-up the senator with their own monetary proposals.

The race's only Mormon, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, said he would put a smiling Jesus on multiple bills, noting, "I want to see the same thing when I open my wallet as I do when I open my bedroom door: many smiling faces."

For former New York mayor and terrorism-survivor Rudy Giuliani, Jesus would only adorn the $20 bill.

"What is 20? 9+11. Need I say more?" Giuliani said.

Bypassing Jesus entirely and heading right to the nation's first Republican saint, Fred Thompson would put a picture of Ronald Reagan on "some bill, I don't know, we're looking into it."

Are U.S. troops being force-fed Christianity?
A watchdog group alleges that improper evangelizing is occurring within the ranks.
By Jane Lampman | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

At Speicher base in Iraq, US Army Spec. Jeremy Hall got permission from a chaplain in August to post fliers announcing a meeting for atheists and other nonbelievers. When the group gathered, Specialist Hall alleges, his Army major supervisor disrupted the meeting and threatened to retaliate against him, including blocking his reenlistment in the Army.

Months earlier, Hall charges, he had been publicly berated by a staff sergeant for not agreeing to join in a Thanksgiving Day prayer.

On Sept. 17, the soldier and the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) filed suit against Army Maj. Freddy Welborn and US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, charging violations of Hall's constitutional rights, including being forced to submit to a religious test to qualify as a soldier.

The MRFF plans more lawsuits in coming weeks, says Michael "Mikey" Weinstein, who founded the military watchdog group in 2005. The aim is "to show there is a pattern and practice of constitutionally impermissible promotions of religious beliefs within the Department of Defense."

For Mr. Weinstein – a former Air Force judge advocate and assistant counsel in the Reagan White House – more is involved than isolated cases of discrimination. He charges that several incidents in recent years – and more than 5,000 complaints his group has received from active-duty and retired military personnel – point to a growing willingness inside the military to support a particular brand of Christianity and to permit improper evangelizing in the ranks. More than 95 percent of those complaints come from other Christians, he says.

Others agree on the need for the watchdog group, but question the conspiratorial view and some of its tactics. They say dealing with religious issues is a complex matter, and the military is trying to address them appropriately.

At the Defense Department, spokeswoman Cynthia Smith says the DOD doesn't comment on litigation, but "places a high value on the rights of members of the Armed Forces to observe the tenets of their respective religions."

Since the Revolutionary War, the armed services have tried to ensure that soldiers can practice their faiths, and that chaplains serve not only those of their own sect but all who may need pastoral care. The services have also sought to adhere to the First Amendment prohibition of any government "establishment of religion."

In the 1990s, for instance, the Air Force's Little Blue Book of core values highlighted religious tolerance, emphasizing that military professionals "must not take it upon themselves to change or coercively influence the religious views of subordinates."

Weinstein insists, however, that there are improper actions at high levels that not only infringe on soldiers' rights but, at a very dangerous time, also send the wrong message to people in the Middle East that those in the US military see themselves engaged in Christian warfare.

For example, he says, Lt. Gen. William Boykin, who gave speeches at churches while in uniform that disparaged Islam and defined the war on terror in fundamentalist, "end times" terms, was not fired but promoted. (Speaking of a Muslim warlord he had pursued, Lt. Gen. Boykin said, "I knew my God was a real God and his was an idol." And our enemies "will only be defeated if we come against them in the name of Jesus.")

"There's an eschatologically obsessed version of Christianity that ... is trying to make American foreign and domestic policy conterminous with their biblical worldview," Weinstein charges. And "there's improper pressure within the military command structure to make members join them."

The most serious allegations from the field cannot be corroborated for this article. A few will be raised in the lawsuits, but some incidents have been documented.

Perhaps the most visible situation – and the one that set Weinstein off on his mission – involved the evangelizing of cadets on the part of some faculty and staff at the Air Force Academy (AFA) in Colorado Springs, Colo., which came to light in 2004. Congress held hearings, DOD conducted an investigation, and the head of the academy acknowledged significant problems. Weinstein's cadet son experienced the pressures as a Jew.

Col. David Antoon (ret.), another alumnus of the AFA and now a 747 commercial pilot, says his heart was broken when he took his son, Ryan, to an orientation at the academy in the spring of 2004. An overt evangelistic approach during part of the orientation so upset them, he says, that they decided his son would reject the treasured appointment and instead go to Ohio State University.

"My son had dreamed of doing what I had done, but it was no longer the institution I went to," Colonel Antoon says, his voice cracking with emotion.

The Air Force set about reaffirming basic principles in religion guidelines, as a basis for widespread training, but a pushback by Evangelicals later led to Congress setting them aside until hearings could be held. The hearings have not taken place.

In 2006, MRFF learned of a video produced by Christian Embassy, a group that conducts Bible studies at the Pentagon and seeks to evangelize within the armed services. Aimed at fundraising for the group, the video was improperly taped in the Pentagon and involved endorsements by Army and Air Force generals in uniform.

MRFF's public alert spurred a DOD investigation. In a report critical of the senior officers, the Inspector General said they gave the appearance of speaking for the military. One general defended his role by saying "Christian Embassy had become a quasi-federal entity."

The report noted that Maj. Gen. Paul Sutton participated while he served as chief of the US Office of Defense Cooperation in Turkey, a largely Muslim nation whose military takes pride in protecting the country's secular status. After a Turkish newspaper wrote about the video as promoting a "fundamentalist sect," General Sutton was called in and questioned by members of the Turkish General Staff.

"They had to give him a lesson in the separation of church and state," Weinstein says. "Imagine the propaganda bonanza! And how this upset Muslims."

The DOD report on the video recommended "appropriate corrective action" be taken against the officers. According to Army spokesman Paul Boyce, "The Army has not yet completed any planned actions associated with the Christian Embassy review."

MRFF claims a victory in the case of the evangelical group Operation Stand Up. Earlier this year, OSU was preparing to send "freedom packages" to soldiers in Iraq as part of an Army program. Along with socks and snacks, the packages included proselytizing materials in English and Arabic, and the apocalyptic video game, "Left Behind: Eternal Forces." In it, Christians carry on warfare against people of other faiths.

After the plans were made public, the Pentagon announced in August that the materials would not be mailed. OSU did not respond to a request for comment.

Weinstein – an intense, voluble attorney who prizes blunt, no-holds-barred language – has struck more than one nerve with his bird-dogging. He says numerous threats have been made on his life. Last week, the front window of his house was shot out for the second time. After the lawsuit was filed, talk of "fragging" (killing) Specialist Hall surfaced on some military blogs. The Army is investigating.

Others sympathetic to Weinstein's concerns say some tactics undermine his efforts, and they question aims.

"He's uncovered some very disturbing stuff that shouldn't be going on in the armed forces," says Marc Stern, a religious liberty expert at American Jewish Congress. "But it's important that you not go too far." Mr. Stern disagrees, for instance, with Weinstein's stance on the Air Force guidelines, such as preventing military supervisors from ever speaking of religion to people under their command.

"He did a disservice to his and our cause by taking a position beyond what the law requires, and in fact may intrude on people's rights," Stern adds.

Several conservative Christian ministries publicly proclaim an evangelistic aim "to transform the nations of the world through the militaries of the world," and they are active at US military installations in many countries. (See www.militaryministry.org or militarymissionsnetwork.org.)

MRFF sees that as a harbinger of a volunteer military falling under the sway of increasing numbers of Christian soldiers. Others see a military leadership, with the exception of a few generals here or there, well aware of its constitutional responsibilities, but challenged by the demands of training on these issues in a military of millions. A group such as MRFF can provide a crucial service, they say, if it is willing to work with the military.

Right now, Weinstein is counting on a set of lawsuits to bring serious issues to the fore. The question is whether those suits will go beyond individual cases of discrimination to prove an unconstitutional pattern within the armed forces.

Book Burning: A True Christian® Tradition

The burning of books is nothing new to True Christians®.  We invented the practice over two-thousand years ago as a way to promote our faith in the Lord Jesus. In the early days of Christianity, when new believers in Christ were converted, they were naturally moved by the Holy Spirit to grab as many books as they could and pitch them into a fire. Unlike the sissy "Jesus is Love" fake-Christians (whom both the Lord Jesus and we loathe) we have running around today, the early followers of Christ were never ashamed to burn books. In fact, if you ever find yourself being grateful for the destruction of most of the works of pagan nincompoops like Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, you have a Christian to thank! In the Book of Acts we learn that anyone who wants to follow Jesus, should get ready to start burning books at the drop of a hat. The Book of Acts teaches us that burning someone's books is a great way spread God's word.

"Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together and burned them before all men and they counted the price of them and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."   Acts 19:19-20

In the aftermath of September 11th, a spiritual awakening is sweeping across the United States of America. One of the great signs that the Holy Spirit is moving in the hearts and souls of Americans is our glorious and sacred return to the practice of book burning. Secular humanists and Atheists have spent hundreds of years trying to make "book burners" look bad. Oftentimes the media paints a terrible image of book burners. "They make us out to look like fanatics or Germans," said one Christian. Did you know that a militant homosexual named Ray Bradbury, even wrote a popular book called Farenheight 451 about book burning? He made Christians out to look like fools! Well, Mr. Bradbury, if you are still alive, and God hasn't sent you to Hell yet, we'd like you to know that Farenheight 451 is also a book that can be burned. And nobody would miss it!

As most Christians already know, the Harry Potter book series is the most evil and dangerous set of books to be released this century. "The Potter series is worse than pornography. The books are even more dangerous than the Satanic Bible," reports Pastor Deacon Fred, "At least with the Satanic Bible, young people know that the book was written by Satan. The Devil just changed his name to J.K. Rowling this time." The release of the fifth book in the Harry Potter series has been delayed because Christians have been praying to God that he will send angels to scramble Satan's brain and force him to admit Rowling's spent body to a mental hospital so that the whole series will never be completed.

To celebrate the delayed release of the fifth Harry Potter book and the post September 11th return to American Christian values, The Truly Saved® all across America are calling upon the name of Jesus this Halloween to decrease the number of Harry Potter books currently circulating in America by at least 70%. "We're giving True Christian® school children the Biblical authority to remove these evil books from their school libraries, bookstores, homes, grocery stores, and anywhere they find them," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "All they need to say is, Jesus wants me to take this book!  Friends, let's help this great Country return to it's True Christian® roots. Wont' you please set up a Holy Ghost book fire at your local church on Satan's Birthday this Halloween? Thank you."

Pope Refuses To Meet Rice

Pope Benedict XVI refused to meet US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in August, saying he was on holiday, an Italian newspaper reported Wednesday.

Rice "made it known to the Vatican that she absolutely had to meet the pope" to boost her diplomatic "credit" ahead of a trip to the Middle East, the Corriere della Sera daily reported without citing its sources.

She was hoping to meet the pontiff at his summer residence of Castel Gandolfo at the beginning of August, it said.

"'The pope is on holiday' was the official response," the paper said.

It said the reply "illustrated the divergence of view" between the Vatican and the White House about the "initiatives of the Bush administration in the Middle East."

The newspaper said the pope had rejected all meetings with political representatives during August.

The Vatican press office refused to confirm the report.

US Ambassador to the Vatican Francis Rooney said relations between Washington and the Holy See were close.

"Since the beginning of formal diplomatic relations in 1984, the US and the Holy See have enjoyed a high level of cooperation on a wide array of issues," he said in a statement.

"Our relationship remains strong today. Our working relationship is dynamic and productive at all levels."

Christian Theater Troupe Scolds Comic

Members of a Christian theater troupe are spreading the word that they're irate about Kathy Griffin's off-color speech in accepting a creative arts Emmy earlier this month.

The Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge spent $90,440 on a full-page advertisement in USA Today that ran nationally Monday, proclaiming "enough is enough."

In accepting the Emmy for her Bravo reality show, "My Life on the D-List," Griffin said that "a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."

She went on to hold up her Emmy, make an off-color remark about Christ and proclaim, "This award is my god now!"

"We at The Miracle Theater consider it an honor to stand for Jesus today," the ad said. "We may never win a national award. We may never be household names. We may never be seen in Hollywood. Although others may choose to use their national platform to slander our God, we are honored as professional entertainers to stand for Christ."

The Associated Press was attempting Wednesday to reach Griffin's publicist.

Griffin's comments have also drawn ire from the Catholic League, an anti-defamation group that called on the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to "denounce Griffin's obscene and blasphemous comment" at the Sept. 9 ceremony. The E! channel chose to edit Griffin's speech when it aired the taped event last Saturday night.

Griffin, whose standup comedy shows often focus on mocking and dishing on celebrities, issued a statement through her publicist in response to the Catholic League's criticisms, indicating her statements were meant as a joke.

"Am I the only Catholic left with a sense of humor?" she said in the statement.

Russ Hollingsworth, general manager of The Miracle Theater, said members of the theater's cast were tired of celebrities' joking attitudes toward Jesus. The theater is sponsoring a petition on its Web site, http://www.miracletheater.com.

"When word reached our cast that a Hollywood celebrity had stood before TV cameras and said such vulgar things about Christ, they were incensed," he said. "It's just not OK anymore to mock Christians and Jesus with impunity."

Griffin was fired in 2005 from her job as an E! Channel red-carpet commentator after joking at the Golden Globe Awards that child actress Dakota Fanning had checked into rehab.

Earth Deemed Unsafe; God Sued For Negligence

EUGENE, Oreg. (CAP) - The Environmental Law Alliance Worldwide has filed a lawsuit in federal court against the Creator of all humanity, claiming gross negligence following the collapse of a mine in Huntington, Utah that trapped six miners some 1,500 feet below ground and killed three rescue workers.

"It is our stance that as a direct result of the actions of God, certain areas of Earth are unsafe and have led directly or indirectly to the deaths of human beings," said ELAW spokesman Trent Xavier. "We will not be satisfied until there is a conviction in this case."

The 36-page lawsuit alleges that the epoxy used by God to manufacture much of the ground that comprises the Earth falls short of federal guidelines for safety and the locations should be shut down until appropriate repairs can be made. The lawsuit draws on a two-year study that concluded the epoxy is nothing more than a combination of water and dirt.

"Is this how we ensure the safety of our families and our children, with dried mud?" asked environmental activist Robert Forestal. "To say this is piss-poor design is an insult to urination. What's next, Title VIII housing in sand castles?"

ELAW, working with US Attorney Karin J. Immergut, is seeking up to $500 million in exchange for releasing God from criminal culpability and civil liability for past defects, including cracks in the ground, leaks in tunnels, and uneven surfaces beneath bridges.

"We understand the design is fairly old," said Xavier. "But as engineer and chief architect, it is God's job to make a clear distinction between the relative capability of his standard and economy formulations. He has failed to do that."

Lawyers for God have thus far refused comment. However, they have already filed a motion for change of venue to have the case heard in Kingdom Come. A judge has not yet ruled on the motion.

Last Tuesday, Landover Baptist's Pastor Deacon Fred was invited to meet with congressmen and speak on the Senate floor.  There he announced a financial victory in the name of Jesus Christ. "I am proud to be here on the Senate floor giving glory to God and announcing a victory for True Christians™," he said. "Since mid-July, we've raised over $83 million to tear down the pagan idol on top of this building and replace it with the cross of America's Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Friends, there is a long tradition of honoring Christ in both the House and the Senate.  I'm not surprised you folks are so interested in our proposal to get that cross up there as soon as possible. I've prayed with most of you, and counseled you in the prayer closets made for that very purpose in this splendid edifice and I believe the time has come for Americans to show their appreciation for our government's commitment to Christ."  Pastor then preached a short sermon, led Congress in communion, and held an altar call where teary eyed Jewish Senator, Bernie Sanders, came forward to turn his life over to Christ and make a new commitment to the Republican Party. 

The Chaplain of the U.S. Senate spoke later in the day regarding the timetable and ceremony plans to get the cross hoisted atop the Capitol building by December 25th of this year. "I have to tell you, the wonderful thing about this whole project is that it is classified as a ministry," he said. "So you can reach down deep into your pockets and know that all the money you send to the Pastors in charge at Landover Baptist is tax deductible."

Construction is already underway to remove the bronze Statue of Freedom which currently sits atop the U.S. Capitol today . In a recent poll taken by Fox News, it was found that 97% of American Christians believe that the current statue is little more than a half naked false idol and should be removed as soon as humanly possible before America incurs more of God's wrath during the upcoming hurricane season. "Most people in our poll checked off the little box that said, Scantily Clad Pagan Goddess, when we asked them what they thought about the Statue of Freedom," says one Fox News executive.

Opponents of the project argue that placing a cross on a federal building violates the separation of church and state. But Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred assures them the project doesn't have anything to do with church and state. "This project has to do with Jesus Christ," he says. "And Jesus is not a church, nor is He a religion, or a silly old state for that matter! He is the Son of the Living God! And right now, He is in a bad state!   The tell-tale sign of his most recent mood swing started with September 11.  We need to start giving Him back the glory our founding fathers gave Him!  If we don't, you mark my words, Jesus' Daddy is not going to stop sending earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, terrorists, illegal aliens, and bad credit to this once great Jesus loving nation!  History teaches us that the Lord has a very short temper, and we believe that temper will be quelled by our commitment to place a cross on top of the U.S. Capitol Building by December 25th of this year.  Des Moines is next."

If you'd like to get involved, call the Landover Baptist church hotline or send your love gift of $10,000.00 or more to:

Operation: U.S. Golden Cross
Landover Baptist Church
77 Soulwinner's Lane
Tower 3, Suite 822B
Freehold, Iowa

Democrats on the power of prayer

Steven Thomma | McClatchy Newspapers

The Democrats were asked whether prayer could avert tragedy. Some responses:

Image Of Jerry Falwell Appears On Bathroom Wall

NEW YORK (CAP) - The tired building with its chipped-brick facade is about as off-Off Broadway as you can get, but the tassels don't swing with any less energy, the sequins aren't secured with any less glue. It is Demillo's Theater, longtime home to the Shanghai She-Male Review, a staple in this neighborhood where stripped cars and crack house tenements are the norm. In its long history, it has bore witness to many a strange oddity, but the Jerry Falwell pee stain may just trump them all.

"We try to keep the place clean for the girls, but it ain't easy, ya know?" says theater manager Earl Ramirez. "They're rushing to get on stage, ain't watching where they're aiming. I even got some of them urine cakes you shoot at, in the shape of an ass, you know? Nothing helps.

"Anyhow, about two weeks ago Bob the janitor guy comes up to me saying that he can't get this thing off the wall, it's like a pee stain or something. He scrubs it off, next day it's back. I says to him, Bob, I warned you about the drinking, but sure enough, there it was. And it was a fucking face, swear to God."

"It's Falwell, no question," chimes in Review dancer Jasmine. "I helped organize a protest once, when he was speaking somewhere uptown. I'd recognize that fat, holier-than-y'all face anywhere. It's kind of creepy really, but it kind of draws you in as well."

Gay burlesque dancers aren't the only ones drawn to the spectacle. About a week after it first appeared on the bathroom wall, the Jerry Falwell pee stain had its first couple of nervous pilgrims knocking on the Demillo's door, asking to see it. That trickle has since turned into a flood, and Earl Ramirez has had to hire additional help to she-man the doors and conduct tours.

"We're turning a profit for the first time in years," Ramirez says. "The evangelicals are great. They come in, see the pee stain, catch a show, mingle backstage with the cast afterwards. Everyone's happy."

Memphis housewife and devout Southern Baptist member Maggie Shephard agrees.

"The guy-girls are so sweet. My goodness, I learned more about mascara in five minutes with them than I've learned my whole life!" Maggie Shephard says. "They're all going to burn in eternal damnation forever for loving the cock, but boy they sure can lip-sync!"

"They're decent folk," Maggie's husband Buddy agrees.

While there is talk about taking down the wall and putting the Jerry Falwell pee stain up for auction on eBay, Earl Ramirez says there are no firm plans to do anything except make the Demillo rest room available for both devout Christian and urinater alike.

At least for the time being, Jerry Falwell's legacy will continue to take a decidedly unexpected turn towards tolerance, courtesy of this small New York theater.

"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind."

Thomas Paine

Book Burning: A True Christian® Tradition

The burning of books is nothing new to True Christians®.  We invented the practice over two-thousand years ago as a way to promote our faith in the Lord Jesus. In the early days of Christianity, when new believers in Christ were converted, they were naturally moved by the Holy Spirit to grab as many books as they could and pitch them into a fire. Unlike the sissy "Jesus is Love" fake-Christians (whom both the Lord Jesus and we loathe) we have running around today, the early followers of Christ were never ashamed to burn books. In fact, if you ever find yourself being grateful for the destruction of most of the works of pagan nincompoops like Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, you have a Christian to thank! In the Book of Acts we learn that anyone who wants to follow Jesus, should get ready to start burning books at the drop of a hat. The Book of Acts teaches us that burning someone's books is a great way spread God's word.

"Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together and burned them before all men and they counted the price of them and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."   Acts 19:19-20

In the aftermath of September 11th, a spiritual awakening is sweeping across the United States of America. One of the great signs that the Holy Spirit is moving in the hearts and souls of Americans is our glorious and sacred return to the practice of book burning. Secular humanists and Atheists have spent hundreds of years trying to make "book burners" look bad. Oftentimes the media paints a terrible image of book burners. "They make us out to look like fanatics or Germans," said one Christian. Did you know that a militant homosexual named Ray Bradbury, even wrote a popular book called Farenheight 451 about book burning? He made Christians out to look like fools! Well, Mr. Bradbury, if you are still alive, and God hasn't sent you to Hell yet, we'd like you to know that Farenheight 451 is also a book that can be burned. And nobody would miss it!

As most Christians already know, the Harry Potter book series is the most evil and dangerous set of books to be released this century. "The Potter series is worse than pornography. The books are even more dangerous than the Satanic Bible," reports Pastor Deacon Fred, "At least with the Satanic Bible, young people know that the book was written by Satan. The Devil just changed his name to J.K. Rowling this time." The release of the fifth book in the Harry Potter series has been delayed because Christians have been praying to God that he will send angels to scramble Satan's brain and force him to admit Rowling's spent body to a mental hospital so that the whole series will never be completed.

To celebrate the delayed release of the fifth Harry Potter book and the post September 11th return to American Christian values, The Truly Saved® all across America are calling upon the name of Jesus this Halloween to decrease the number of Harry Potter books currently circulating in America by at least 70%. "We're giving True Christian® school children the Biblical authority to remove these evil books from their school libraries, bookstores, homes, grocery stores, and anywhere they find them," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "All they need to say is, Jesus wants me to take this book!  Friends, let's help this great Country return to it's True Christian® roots. Wont' you please set up a Holy Ghost book fire at your local church on Satan's Birthday this Halloween? Thank you."

Pope's Statement On Church Primacy Riles Protestant Leaders
By NICOLE WINFIELD
Associated Press

LORENZAGO DI CADORE, Italy

Pope Benedict XVI reasserted the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, approving a document released Tuesday that says other Christian communities are either defective or not true churches and Catholicism provides the only true path to salvation.

The statement brought swift criticism from Protestant leaders. "It makes us question whether we are indeed praying together for Christian unity," said the World Alliance of Reformed Churches, a fellowship of 75 million Protestants in more than 100 countries.

"It makes us question the seriousness with which the Roman Catholic Church takes its dialogues with the reformed family and other families of the church," the group said in a letter charging that the document took ecumenical dialogue back to the era before the Second Vatican Council.

It was the second time in a week that Benedict has corrected what he says are erroneous interpretations of the Second Vatican Council, the 1962-65 meetings that modernized the church. On Saturday, Benedict revived the old Latin Mass - a move cheered by Catholic traditionalists but criticized by more liberal ones as a step backward from Vatican II.

Among the council's key developments were its ecumenical outreach and the development of the New Mass in the vernacular, which essentially replaced the old Latin Mass.

Benedict, who attended Vatican II as a young theologian, has long complained about what he considers its erroneous interpretation by liberals, saying it was not a break from the past but a renewal of church tradition.

"Christ 'established here on earth' only one church," said the document. The other communities "cannot be called 'churches' in the proper sense" because they do not have apostolic succession - the ability to trace their bishops back to Christ's original apostles, it said.

Vatican Issues New 10 Commandments

The Make Believe World of Harry Potter Is Driving Children to the Edge of Insanity!

Emergency Memo - November 2001: Landover Baptist Pastors encourage Bible believing churches across America to return to their roots, and re-institute the Godly early church practice of book burning. Learn how to organize a book burning in your community - click here.

Emergency Memo - October 1999: Reports of coven sightings in the woods around Freehold, Iowa prompt pastors to investigate. Creation Scientists conclude that a new generation of witches are being trained in the dark arts of Wicca through an instruction manual called, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Pastor Deacon Fred enlists Demon Hunter, Mitch Walker, to begin instructing church members on how to stalk, hunt, capture, detain and deprogram Wiccans.


Freehold, Iowa - This memo is being sent to all church members and concerned Christians to inform them of a disease that is infecting our Nation. Landover Baptist parents must be made aware of a particularly dangerous series of books that have somehow slipped into our children's hands, unnoticed. Lately, teachers at Landover Baptist Elementary school have been complaining that youngsters have been prancing about in an 'odd and peculiar manner'. Some of God's children have been stealing yellow crayons and painting lightning bolts on their foreheads. Many of them have been hiding in boxes and refuse to come out unless cookies and milk are delivered on a silver plate. We believe this behavior to be far from innocent. It is absolutely and without question, demonic, in origin.

All True Christians™ believe that Harry Potter books challenge both saved and unsaved children to create demonically inspired worlds in their innocent little heads. We also believe that the books encourage youngsters to run off and hide. Christian parents are telling us that their children refuse to sit at the family table for dinner, instead they eat their dinner behind a locked closet door or under their beds. We are asking all Landover Baptist Church members at this time to search every room in your Christian home for any sign of these Harry Potter books. If you find them, keep them out of the child's reach. Put them on a high shelf until next Saturday when we as a church body will join together in unison for an impromptu book burning on the East lawn. After the burning, if any of these 'so-called' children's books are found anywhere on church grounds or in the home of any church member, proper steps will be taken to ensure your child is fully deprogrammed from the illicit material (which may or may not include a trip to a Russian orphanage at your expense) and you will be fined $250.00 per book. The fines are effective after the book burning. Mandatory attendance is required as you volunteer to help us fight Satan in his attempt to strike at the future of Christian America by worming his way into the hearts and minds of our precious and innocent children!

Note to all Concerned Parents:
We have it on good Godly authority that the 6th book in the series will reveal that the main character, "Harry Potter" actually KILLED HIS PARENTS! with a butcher knife! If this isn't enough to raise the hair on your neck, then you need revival! Find out what other Christians are saying about this filth by clicking here!

Priest Fires Organist Who Moonlights As Sex-Toy Saleswoman

A Wisconsin organist has been fired after 35 years of mostly volunteer service because the priest doesn't approve of her side job selling "romance enhancers" -- aka sex toys and lotions.

Linette Servais was paid $1,000 a year to play the organ, direct the choir, take pictures during First Communion and plan the annual summer picnic. She has been eased out of those jobs since late fall, when her pastor told the congregation about her moonlighting and issued an ultimatum.

"It was just cut and dry, either you do this or else. I thought that was really unfair after all the years I put into the church," she tells WBAY-TV.

Servais, saying she wanted to help women with cancer who have sexual side-effects, chose the sex-toy company. Now she can't even sing with the choir.

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel has an excerpt from the letter Father Dean Dombroski sent to his congregation: Linette is a consultant for a firm which sells products of a sexual nature that are not consistent with Church teachings. Because parish leaders are expected to model the teaching of our faith, once this matter became public she and I met and she was given a choice. Either she could stay on as the choir director/organist or she could continue to be a consultant but she could not do both.

But Servais says she doesn't see any conflict between the two roles. In fact, she says her work for Pure Romance is a personal ministry.

"Father Dean made it sound so sinful," she tells the paper. "There is so much more to this business than toys."

She is one of 15,000 consultants who sell products for Pure Romance, an Ohio company that claimed $50 million in sales during 2005. The company sells a range of "bedroom accessories, books, games and lingerie, as well as a high-end assortment of bath and body products, sensual lotions and spa products."

That's about all we can say about their products without getting fired

Checklist and Frequently Asked Questions!

Fathers, before your boy leaves for camp, privately discuss the importance your church family's reputation. Make sure that he is fully aware that if he does anything to embarrass you or the Lord this summer, Jesus will tell on him and you will beat his little bare behind with a rusty buckle and have him shipped off to a Russian orphanage when he gets home. Let him know that you didn't raise him to be a sissy or a cry-baby so if you get word that any of that nonsense is going on, he'll have to find a new Daddy when he gets back from camp, because you don't want him to be your son anymore.

Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor, telling you that your child is acting like a little Nancy boy and crying about how much he misses his mother, resist the temptation to "rescue" your child. You are not permitted to communicate with your child for the entire four weeks he is away at camp. Please understand that we are doing everything in our power to make a man out of your 12-year-old boy. We own him for a month. Any calls you receive from the camp Pastor are just phone calls letting you know that your child is being whipped with a tree branch in accordance with camp policy or being locked in a bear cave until he cries himself dry.

The $2500 deposit is non-refundable. The balance of the Bible camper fee ($18,000.00) is due the day of registration. If your child is unable to attend (due to death or loss of more than two limbs) please cancel within 10 days by calling the Registrar, Henry (The Bull) Nelson @ 800-788-CAMP. This way that spot may then be available for another youngster.

Sleeping assignments are made by the Bible Camp staff, prior to the start of each session. Our counselors observe each boy through closed circuit cameras as they are left to fend for themselves alone in the wilderness for the first two days. During this time they are carefully studied by a staff of Creation Scientists to detect any outward manifestations of possible homosexual tendencies, such as fear and excessive wiping with leaves after defecation. We utilize our findings to avoid placing two molly-coddlers in the same sleeping bag for the next several weeks. Friends are not allowed to bunk together (where cabins are available during the end of the third week) We will try, whenever possible to honor the requests of parents whose income brackets and contributions to the church warrant special sleeping arrangement requests made with pre-registration.  All boys (except the offspring of Platinum-level tithing parents) will be forced to eat what is scooped onto their tin plates.  Camp is no place for finicky eaters or silly claims about allergies.  Platinum level tithers are encouraged to get special dietary requests to room service three weeks before departure.

Your child's personal cell phone is never to be used to contact friends and family. Cell phones are to be used exclusively to call the camp Pastor to report other children for insubordination. Cell phones may also be used if your child finds himself in a life threatening emergency situation.. Examples would be a gun wound to the head or being mauled by a grizzly bear. Being treed by a grizzly bear is not an emergency. It is a character-building event, and should be waited out if the child is unarmed.

Please do not send food to camp with your child. Each child will be given a satchel of dried locusts to serve as a Bible trail mix. Other than that, understand that your child is attending Bible camp to learn post-apocalyptic techniques on how to hunt, stalk, and kill his own food or starve to death. No meals are served in the first two weeks. You child will also learn to barter and share the love of Jesus at gunpoint should they be left behind as part of the unsaved remnant after the Great Tribulation.

Your child should take 30 twenty-dollar bills. An offering will be taken up after morning services each day. By enabling your youngster to place a $20 bill in the collection plate, he will learn the importance of giving money to people who matter most to the Lord. Any child who fails to put $20 into the offering plate will be taught a valuable lesson about peer pressure and mob dynamics. The child will then be locked in a bat-infested cave for the duration of the summer where he can more carefully contemplate his selfishness.

Apocalyptic wilderness survival training, Bible reading, Scripture memory contests, marksmanship competitions, Old testament wild deer and boar sacrifices, gun care and cleaning, manly fellowship, Bible skits, and evening super surprise game competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to hunt unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the mountains by helicopter.

Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6. Optional grade 7 for those who attended last year and failed to kill an endangered animal and memorize over 50 Bible verses.

We are using a Bible based time schedule at camp. Thus, we are operating in what camp counselors refer to as "Eternity Mode." By depriving your child of food and sleep for days at a time, we pray that he will experience a complete loss of time and space, and ultimately self-worth at various points within the 30 days, coming to a better understanding of his piteousness in the eyes of the Lord.

Drugs and alcohol will be confiscated by the camp Pastor. Your child will be stripped naked and a full cavity search will be mechanically performed. The child will then be forced to endure the next 30 days of Vacation Bible Camp without clothes or company.

In Surprise Move, God Snuffs Out Jerry Falwell

Tearful Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick
Wednesday Night Service, Main Chapel, May 15, 2007

The Lord is testing us, friends. He does that periodically. Remember when He told His beloved servant, Abraham to violently murder his only son? Just as Abraham was about to drive the knife through his son’s body, God yelled, “Gotcha!” And remember when He tested Jonah’s claustrophobia by making him take up residence in a whale’s stomach for three days, without so much as a candle or a can of Lysol? Or when he tested all of humanity by drowning the planet? Well, that wasn’t really a test, but the point is that God does crazy, bizarre, inexplicable things to make sure we believe in Him based on faith and fear and not that dreaded “rational thought” thingy.

Well, the Lord has worked in one of His now-famous “mysterious ways” yet again. At 10:45 this morning, the Lord killed Jerry Falwell, the godliest of men -- the man who did more than anyone to put religion back in government and replace the Constitution with the Book of Leviticus. Dr. Falwell’s death is inexplicable. Why, just hours earlier, my old friend had breakfast with Ron Godwin, executive vice-president of Liberty University, which you and I know as the Christian Harvard of the South. Jerry had his usual breakfast of a dozen scrambled eggs topped with American cheese, two slabs of bacon, a stack of pancakes with butter-infused maple syrup and a basket of buttermilk biscuits with sausage gravy. He didn’t even have a cup of coffee. Yet, a couple of imprecatory prayers later, he was gone.

The only possible explanation is that Heaven must be in turmoil, so God whisked Brother Jerry there now to get the angels in line. After all, God couldn’t have asked for a more loyal servant on Earth. Rev. Falwell hated all the right people, especially those who tried to blur gender distinctions. When Muslim terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, killing thousands, Dr. Falwell explained on “The 700 Club” that God was behind this otherwise seeming act of cowardice, to punish America for embracing feminists and homosexuals. It seemed odd that God would use people who rejected His son to do His bidding, but we quickly dispelled this concern, as we learned in first grade Sunday School never to try to make sense of God’s killing sprees. Pastor Falwell said on multiple occasions that AIDS was God’s righteous punishment of a man who dared to love another man. He referred to the “National Organization for Women” as the “National Organization of Witches.” He correctly identified “Ellen DeGeneres” as “Ellen DeGenerate.” He had the guts to call all homosexuals “moral perverts.” Most significantly, he found homosexuality in even those people who aren’t real people. It was Jerry Falwell who exposed that purse-carrying, triangle-wearing, purple-bearing Tinky Winky as the nellie bottom that he is. Dr. Falwell let millions of his followers know that those fuzzy little Teletubbies are a product of the vast homosexual conspiracy to turn our country’s toddlers into sodomites before they’ve even put down their pacifiers.

Godly Jerry’s hatred of uppity minorities was equally intense. He supported racial segregation throughout the time of the Civil Rights movement, telling the world that Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a fraud. He supported apartheid in South Africa, to keep those Negroes toiling in the fields thousands of miles away so we never had to worry about them earning enough money to come over here and start calling themselves South African-Americans. He opposed the release of Nelson Mandela from prison because, after all, public figures should either be behind the pulpit or behind bars. He hated Jews -- those who have rejected the Lord Jesus -- so much that he forthrightly proclaimed the Antichrist would be a Jewish man. And then, coopting a plot theme from the “Omen” series, he said that man was probably living today.

The only time Jerry ever relented in his hatred of the unrighteous or his animosity towards the unwashed occurred when money for the Lord was involved. Jerry was able to selflessly put his ill will aside when the unsaved offered cash. When his “university” had become insolvent, Jerry graciously accepted millions of dollars from Rev. Sun Myung Moon (leader of the “Moonies”) despite having previously compared Moon to “the plague.” Under the guise of friendship, he wrestled the “Praise the Lord” ministry from those phonies, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and later told the world that Jim Bakker was a greedy sodomite. 

I really hope the Lord thought this one through, because the man he snubbed out this time is much more than a True Christian™ martyr -- he was a great fundraiser.

Spiderman: The Vile Glorification of Arachnid Bestiality!

Pastor Deacon Fred Reviews Spiderman 3

About a week ago, I was able to attend a "sin-screening" of the new Spiderman nonsense. You see, Hollywood sets up screenings in big cities for important pastors like me so we can let them know if their latest movie is a load of unsuitable anti-Christian rubbish. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm never one to pass up a chance to smack around the good news of  Jesus, especially if someone flies me out in a private plane, sets me up in a fancy hotel and pays for my dinner.

Warner Brothers has their own private theater in New York. I was seated next to my dear friends, Rev. Fred Phelps and Dr. Jerry Falwell. Now that I look back, I'm glad that Benny Hinn was in front of me, his giant head of hair saved me from seeing several sweaty scenes of arachnid bestiality.

One doesn't need a degree in Entomology to figure out what the sex perverts in tinsel town are trying to accomplish with this film. To put it simply, so the unsaved can understand:  Spiderman is promoting the glorification of woman on arachnid intercourse. They use the same perverted temptation that has been used for hundreds of years through the fairy tale false promise of the princess and the frog.  I tell you, we proudly stand today with our Godly ancestors by steadfastly condemning the deceitful trickery of the Prince of Darkness and every fairy tale ever scrawled by that satyr's scalding hoofs!  I want every young Christian lady across this country to know that if they lean down to kiss a spider, it will not turn into Toby McGuire as the movie, Spiderman 3 would have you believe!. No, my sweet, innocent young ladies, it will not!  Flee this temptation at all costs, for it could not only lead to some nasty stings, it could also lead you down the path of immorality to France where you will get caught up in sexual Entomology which leads to damnation. 

One other thing I found interesting in this film. Hollywood really shows its racist flag by trying to appeal to colored girls. You see, they present Spiderman in a black costume and have him exhibit behavior that that is appealing and familiar to women of color. They have no shame in moving back and forth between the American costume and the Negro costume. My guess is that the Entomologist who took enough LSD to come up with this whole shebang wanted to make sure he was being inclusive, but quite frankly in my opinion, it comes off as racist.

In any case, this movie is banned from being shown within a 25 square mile radius of Freehold, Iowa. In addition, all church families with daughters between the age 11-21 are asked to call Pastor Jim's Holy Smoke Pest Control and have their basements and daughters' bedrooms sprayed for spiders. 

God is omnipotent, omnipresent and all-knowing. Yet, strangely, when it comes to making predictions, He is less reliable than a gypsy with a switchblade up her babushka. See if you can identify when the Lord fumbled a prognostication in the KJV 1611 Holy Bible. Click here.