Eight things I blame on Bill Clinton

 

Boy, that Clinton magic is some powerful stuff. Fourteen months after he left office, its power is still keeping George Bush the Unelected from saving the world. No wonder Bennett, Kristol, The Wall Street Journal editorial page, etc. are still so angry at Clinton: They all think (so does George) that Clinton's to blame for the mess in the Middle East.

I hate to say this, but they could be right. I have some personal experience with that Clinton magic, and it is potent indeed. What follows is what happened to me in the last few days; read it and you'll see that Clinton is screwing up my life, too, not just George's. Maybe then you'll feel a little sorry for George (and me).

Eight things I blame on Bill Clinton

Or: how the Clinton magic ruined my life

I got a speeding ticket and went to court last week and told the judge that it wasn't my fault, it's that damned Clinton magic. The judge, a Republican, understood, dismissed the charge, and yelled at the police officer.

As a result of my court appearance, I was late to work and told my boss I could not accept responsibility for being late. That was Clinton's fault anyone could see that the air was filled with his magic. My boss admitted that the air was indeed filled with magic and said it was OK, not even Harry Potter could fight this.

I was elated and decided to press my luck, hoping the Clinton magic would remain there for me. I asked for a raise. But my boss, realizing I had been there six months and could be replaced by someone he wouldn't have to pay as much because they wouldn't have all that seniority, fired me.

I called the bank and told them it wasn't my fault that my checks bounced, because I had just lost my job. These things are outside my control, there's too much magic in the air. Bankers are Republicans, aren't they? They'll know what I mean. So I told them that Clinton was boiling bats' ears and spiders' legs to brew a spell that would cripple the Bush administration and lead to horrible things. Trouble is, I explained, Clinton is a novice at conjuring spells and so some of that magic is coming directly at me and making me do things I normally don't do, like bounce checks. The bank agreed, apologized for charging too much for all their fees, and said they'd straighten it all out.

That night, I was on a date with a beautiful woman. I was working my magic on her, to which she was tres receptive. Wine, great food, witty conversation. I'm kind of good looking, too, although in a unique, chubby, balding sort of way, and soon she was ripping my clothes off. Great, I thought. But then . . . oops, I couldn't perform. Too much wine? No, that's never happened before. It's that damned Clinton magic. I told her this, and she just looked at me confused. What's Clinton got to do with it? she asked and then left. Damn.

Damn that Clinton. His magic made me oversleep, so I was late to my job interview to be assistant to the assistant to the assistant manager at the 7-11. It's a very important job its main duties are to make sure everything is done slowly so the line is always long. Turns out they hired me because I was late, which proved to them I have that something special they are always looking for in employees.

Hate my job Clinton's fault. If Clinton hadn't made me oversleep, I never would have gotten the job. The first day there, I screwed up in a big way. I charged some people for gas they never bought, and overcharged others just because I don't know how to work the cash register. Didn't know how to do anything, actually, but customers didn't care. By the time they got to the cash register, they were all so glad the line finally moved, they'd pay anything to get out of there. So the light bulb went on in my head and I saw a way to put extra cash in my pocket.

So now I'm in jail. Clinton's fault. They say I extorted money from people in line, telling them they'd have to pay a little extra if they wanted the line to keep moving. Did I do that? I don't remember. But I know I just can't fight all the magic in the air. Damn that Clinton. I just hope I get the same judge I had earlier.