ABSENCE OF WMDs IN PRESIDENTS SPEECH RUINS DRINKING GAME

By Andy Borowitz

Where are the Weapons? Deflated Drinkers Ask

Bar patrons in Missouri who had planned to do a shooter of tequila every time President Bush used the phrase weapons of mass destruction in his speech to the nation Sunday night were left disappointed as the President barely mentioned the deadly weapons at all.

The game was the brainchild of Jake Hoving, 31, bartender at the Horny Skunk Saloon in Springfield, who invented the game earlier this year when he and his friends were watching Mr. Bushs State of the Union Address and noticed that the phrase weapons of mass destruction appeared in virtually every other sentence.

I was like, dude, lets do a shooter next time he says it, Mr. Hoving remembers.

Mr. Hoving said that by the end of the State of the Union speech, he and his friends had drained the bars entire supply of tequila.

I have never been so polluted, Mr. Hoving said. It was bodacious.

Knowing that Mr. Bush was scheduled to make a nationally televised address about Iraq tonight, Mr. Hoving gathered his friends at the bar once more to play the WMD drinking game.

But the game never really got started this time, Mr. Hoving said.

We had our shooters all racked up, but he only said weapons of mass destruction like once in the entire speech, Mr. Hoving said. We were all like Dude, where are the weapons?

As disappointing as tonights game was, Mr. Hoving remains undaunted, planning to reassemble his pals at the bar for the Presidents next major speech on economic policy.

Were going to do a shooter every time he says tax cut, Mr. Hoving said.