THE SOUND OF ASHCROFT

Seeing Simon and Garfunkel reunited at the Grammys perform The Sounds of Silence was very inspiring to many of us. For better or worse, (and with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel) the following is what it inspired in me.

 (read or sing to "The Sound of Silence")

Hey, Big Brother, my old friend,

God's come to talk with me again.

Wants to put a few old guys like me

In charge of the Homeland of the free

No more women,

Muslims, Blacks, especially gays

Will be in our way

I am the Sound of Ashcroft.

A dead guy got more votes than me.

But here I am -- the USAG!

I plan to tap your phones and read your mail.

If you are liberal, you are going to jail.

I love my job.

Don't need warrants or DNA.

Trust me, I say.

T'is the Sound of Ashcroft.

I passed new laws to end your rights

to speech, justice, even airplane flights.

But load your gun and shoot it off all day.

At school our kids will soon just pray and pray.

Then God said to me

That he really liked my songs.

So sing along!

To the Sound of Ashcroft.

Ain't no apes in my family tree.

But there's bongs and porn in society

The Web, the movies, all the books you read.

And yikes! cancer victims are all smoking weed!

So I prayed and prayed

And here's what God said to do:

Go back to '52.

When they loved the Sound of Ashcroft.