Only five Americans still oppose war

With war being presented as little more than a PG movie, only five Americans still say that it was wrong to attack Iraq in the first place, which means about 80 million Americans who were opposed to the Iraqi war now say they were wrong.

This was the most significant finding of the latest BINK Poll, based this time on a representative sampling of 12 adults selected randomly from those seated in the first three rows of the American Idol audience.

"I didn't think the media could do it," said one respondent who represented about 25 million of those former protesters. "But they kept it positive, so I decided it was time that I supported America."

Another respondent, representing about 15 million former protesters, said: "Why do so many poll questions always have 'If' in them? That's confusing. You have to stop and think. Now I don't know if I ever really opposed our liberation of Iraq. You go, USA!"

These findings seemed to surprise many observers, but they are consistent with other poll results that showed a massive upswing in support for the war after news reports showed how pleasant an experience everyone was having. About 70 to 80 million Americans changed their minds about the war almost overnight. They also now think that Bush is doing a great job and is probably not so dumb. Up to 80 percent of Americans say they want to make room for him on Mt. Rushmore but, if room can't be found, to give those who donate most to his presidential campaigns the concessions at Mt. Rushmore.

Our poll asked the simple question: "Would you support the war in Iraq if: a) you could go to the mall without fear of terrorists; b) all evil people and other dissenters went to jail; c) no one died in the TV war except evil people; d) everyone smiled jubilantly on TV except the evil people?"

Other results were:

·      Of the 80 million Americans who changed their minds about the war, 63 percent compared their new support for the war to "taking a car for a test drive." One of the respondents who represents about 10 million of those former protesters, said: "You just want to make sure its comfy, that you don't get a back ache from a rough ride."

·      "Embedded reporters did a great job and made me proud to be American," another respondent who represented about 12 million former protesters, said. "It would be nice if they embedded journalists with protesters, but, of course, the protesters don't have the cool jeeps or generals or bombs, which all makes being embedded so much more fun."

·      In a shocking find, 23 percent of those who changed their mind said they did so because they believe Saddam Hussein is responsible for SARS, the sudden acute respiratory syndrome that is now the only other important news this year. "I heard on Fox News some story about Saddam," a respondent representing 20 million Americans said. "Then I changed channels and they were talking about SARS. That's too scary a connection!"

·      Americans still have mixed feelings about invading another country preemptively, especially another hot desert country. According to the BINK Poll, 22 percent would be more likely to support an invasion of a country with nice ski and snowboarding slopes, while 13 percent think we should invade a country with great beaches. "I figure that's how I'll support the troops: by sending them to a place they want to be and a place I like to watch on TV," one respondent, representing 50 million Americans, said.

·      Of the five Americans still opposed to the war, 2.8 are women, a proportion similar to what others polls have found, and 2.1 are men. The other .1 was confused.

·      All five Americans still opposed to the war are in hiding, mostly from the producers of the Bill O'Reilly show on Fox. Apparently, O'Reilly wants to yell at them until they change their minds so he can get credit for uniting the country.