Terror
Preparedness Tips

Terrorists are working to obtain biological, chemical, nuclear and radiological weapons and the threat of an attack is very real. Since the government can do little but scare the crap out of you with color-coded alerts, we at Comedyzine.com offer these helpful Terror Preparedness Tips.

Make A Kit

Assembling a survival kit is essential. You will need a kit for home and a portable kit for every member of your family.

You'll need one gallon of water per person per day, for drinking and sanitation and a twelve pack of beer per person per day for relieving stress and to catch a good buzz. Children, nursing mothers, and sick people may need more water which is one more reason to leave children, nursing mothers and sick people outside. If you live in a warm weather climate more water may be necessary, same goes for the beer. Keep at least a three-day supply of water per person and a one month supply of beer per person. After all, there IS water in beer and it is much more enjoyable to drink.

Include in the kits duct tape, plastic sheeting, canned, dried foods, blankets and prescription & recreational drugs. You should buy your child a wagon that can hitch behind his/her bicycle so they have their survival kit with them at all times. Note: Beer & recreational drugs are not necessary for your children's survival kit.

In the case of a biological or chemical threat make one room in your home or office a safe room. Seal all windows, doors and vents with plastic sheeting and duct tape. Be sure to have your survival kit in your designated safe room. Food and water is important however with your safe room sealed you will run out of oxygen within 6 hours, long before you run out of food and water. Purchase scuba gear with several oxygen tanks for each member of your family. Make sure your child wears his/her scuba gear to school, a wetsuit may protect against chemicals in the air and with the extra oxygen in the tank, you can rest assured that your child will be safe at school. With all the cuts in education, you know the school will not have enough oxygen for all the students.

Duct tape is great for sealing windows and doors but it is also great to seal your skin from harmful chemicals and bacteria. Wrap your family and yourself up in the mummy fashion using duct tape; the duct tape will provide an extra layer of skin. It may not help against chemical or biological weapons but it can't hurt!

Stock up on toilet paper because an attack will scare the crap out of you and your family. Moist towelettes are also handy.

Emergency Information

Find out what kinds of disasters, both natural and manmade, are most likely to occur in your area and how you will be notified. Methods of getting your attention vary from community to community. One common method is to broadcast via emergency radio and TV broadcasts. You might hear a special siren, or get a telephone call, or emergency workers may go door-to-door. Or you just may see a HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD over your porch.

What To Do In Case Of A Nuclear Blast

If there is a nuclear blast take cover immediately, below ground if possible, though any shield or shelter will help protect you from the immediate effects of the blast and the pressure wave. If you don't have a basement and cannot go below ground fill your bathtub with water, put on your scuba gear and submerge yourself in the water. This may not protect you from the radiation but it is very relaxing.

Create An Evacuation Plan

Plan places where your family will meet, both within and outside of your immediate neighborhood. For instance you might want to meet family members at the site where the high school use to stand or meet at the big fire in front of City Hall etc. Making a plan for contacting family members in an emergency is a smart idea however if you are growing tired of the family, during an attack might be an opportune time to leave them.

If you have a car, keep at least a half tank of gas in it at all times in case you need to evacuate. A full tank would be ideal but with the price of gasoline today who can afford a full tank?

Become familiar with alternate routes and other means of transportation out of your area. If you live near a river, think about leaving by boat. Boating is always fun unless of course the river happens to be on fire.

If you do not have a car, plan how you will leave if you have to. Remember that hitchhikers are seldom picked up during times of terrorist attacks and/or Armageddon.

Lock the door behind you because if you lock the door in front of you, you will not be able to leave your house and probably will bump your head on the door and feel quite embarrassed.

Take your pets with you because one, it is the humane thing to do and two, you may have to eat them to stay alive. Also bring extra condiments. Condiments always make a 'Fido burger' taste even better. As does lettuce and tomato.

If time allows:
Leave a note telling others when you left and where you are going. This will allow looters time to leisurely ransack your home.

We hope these preparedness tips will be helpful during a terror attack.
Remember Safety Siad says, "It is better to be safe than sorry but better to be sorry than in jail. Always have an alibi."

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