"A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books on them?'" Jay Leno

"'60 Minutes' is hiring Bill Clinton and Bob Dole to do a point-counterpoint segment where they debate two sides to an argument. Why do you need Dole? Clinton likes to waffle, he can do both sides. ... I feel bad for Leslie Stall. She spent half the day trying to keep Clinton off of her and the other half of the day trying to avoid Dole telling her how Viagra works. ... I guess Dole is doing a lot of TV. He signed a deal with CBS and next month he's going to play a corpse on CSI." Jay Leno

"One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions." Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about that interview with Saddam Hussein? He actually came off more normal than Michael Jackson and Robert Blake." Jay Leno, on Dan Rather's "60 Minutes" interview with Saddam Hussein

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then, he declares war." Jay Leno

"American tourists in Paris are reported to being yelled at, spit upon, and attacked by the French. Thank God things are getting back to normal." Jay Leno

"Terrorist mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has been arrested. He has been described as the CEO of al Qaeda. See, that's two things to be happy about. Not only did we arrest a high-ranking member of al Qaeda, we also get to torture a CEO." Jay Leno

"You know how we get this guy to talk? Remember all of that duct tape we've been hoarding? Apply it to his back hair and rip it off." Jay Leno, on the capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed 

"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco." Jay Leno

"Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." Jay Leno

"The bad news is that North Korea has restarted its nuclear reactors, so we know that they could soon have a nuke that could hit the west coast here in California. The president has said that this is still not a crisis because we don't have one that could hit a red state." Bill Maher, HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher

"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'" Bill Maher

"Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'" Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French -- I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." Craig Kilborn

"The government now figures the cost of winning this whole Iraqi war will be about $320 per citizen. Of course, that's just for your basic war; if you want your deluxe trim package you want your tanks, your stealth bombers that'll be a few extra bucks more." Jay Leno

"Iraq has agreed in principle to destroy their missiles. You know why they say in principle? It sounds a lot better than in your dreams." Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'd rather die and we'd rather kill him." Jay Leno

"Plans for the new regime in Iraq after the war bog down as no one in the administration can come up with a democratic model." Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?"

"Saddam Hussein has given an exclusive interview to Dan Rather for '60 Minutes' in which he said he has 'no intention of leaving, stepping down or going into exile.' He said he would rather die than leave. Just like the cast of '60 Minutes." Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein sat down for his first interview in 12 years with Dan Rather for '60 Minutes.' By the way, the interview is brought to you by 'Dictator Strength Just For Men Mustache Gel.'" Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." Craig Kilborn

"Did you know 'Iraq' is Arabic for 'Vietnam?'" Jay Leno

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq, we can't even get this in Florida." Jay Leno

"Georgia Senator Zel Miller is very upset with CBS for doing a reality show called 'The Real Beverly Hillbillies.' It's about a poorer, middle class, rural family moving into a big mansion. Didn't we do that already? It was called 'The Clintons.'" Jay Leno

"Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?" Craig Kilborn

"On February 26, this Wednesday, anti-war protesters are organizing a million-modem march. This is where they want people to fax their congressman with their protests. How lazy are we getting in this country? We used to march up and down with signs. Now people sit at home and eat bon bons, 'Can I just fax it in?'" Jay Leno

"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." Jay Leno

"Dan Rather interviewed Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. This Hussein is a weird guy but fascinating. In the interview, Hussein claims he's only had two nose jobs. During the interview, he also said he thought Bruce Springsteen should have won album of the year." David Letterman

"President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield." Craig Kilborn

"They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton." Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"Bulgarian pimps have been moving armies of prostitutes across Europe to await the arrival of US troops. Hey, that's more than the French are doing for us." Jay Leno

"Colin Powell aims to help the resolution's chance by traveling to 15 different countries to meet with their U.N. representatives. Then, at the end, he'll decide which one to marry." Craig Kilborn 

"The Mustang Ranch was recently seized by the federal government. They had some tax problems and so now the government owns it. Well, they don't know what they are supposed to do with a former whorehouse. I was thinking, how about a branch of the Clinton library?" David Letterman

"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running for president All right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before for president in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis." David Letterman

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." David Letterman

"Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker." David Letterman

"According to the Associated Press, there's a rumor that Saddam Hussein is now hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, Because a school is the last place President Bush will look." Conan O'Brien

"The road to war with Iraq may be taking a detour as Turkey is now demanding $30 billion from the U.S. in exchange for allowing us to use their bases. But without those bases our bombers won't be able to reach France." Craig Kilborn

"Let's recap the negotiations: The U.S. offered $30 billion , Turkey wants $36 billion, and today the US came back with its final offer: We're using your bases." Craig Kilborn

"The state of Nevada is now going to start taxing prostitutes. Talk about embarrassing, today I was written off as a business loss." Craig Kilborn

"A group of wealthy Democratic donors are trying to start a liberal radio network which will feature 14 hours of daily commentary. The only question that remains is, Can Phil Donahue talk for 14 consecutive hours?" Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"American troops are headed to the Philippines to disrupt a Muslim rebel group there and get back to what they should be doing: Making Nikes for Americans." Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher" 

"The bidding for Turkey is still at $26B to let us deploy our troops there. Now, Joe Lieberman came out today, and he said, not to criticize the president, but that's what happens when you let the gentiles do the haggling." Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"If it's OK with the White House press department, we'll be back next week not watching what we say." Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse they've been repackaged and sold to France." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader." Jon Stewart, on anti-war protests

"President Bush said protestors will not stop him from going to war. Well, duh, losing the popular vote didn't stop him from being president." Jay Leno

"As you know the French continue to resist the war in Iraq or even help us and now Bill Clinton has come out against the French. In fact today he said he has vowed not to French Kiss anybody." Jay Leno

"Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy for president. Gephardt now plans to look for a running mate or as he put it: 'The alcohol to my sleeping pills.'" Conan O'Brien

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech." Craig Kilborn

"What you should do is take the plastic sheeting and duct tape it over the TV." Michael Feldman, on public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?"

"The president has a lot of troubles these days. Everyone's getting mad at him left and right. Atheist groups are getting more mad at him because he's been using more and more references to Christianity in his speeches. In fact it happened this morning, he said, 'Jesus, look at all those big words.'" Conan O'Brien

"Remember at the beginning of the week how members of Congress said they wanted to boycott French products? Well France is now fighting back. They said from now on we can no longer film any of our cheesy reality shows at their chateaus in their country side." Jay Leno

"Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet." Craig Kilborn

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong  What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." Jay Leno

"You gotta feel bad for President Bush. He's really fed up with the U.N.'s foot dragging. He's very frustrated because he wants to attack Iraq and wipe them out before his one-term presidency is up." David Letterman

"In Chappaqua, there was so much snow up there, Clinton's intern actually went down on a toboggan." David Letterman

"North Korean President Kim Jong Il said at his birthday celebration that his people should burn with hatred against America. Today the French said 'You know we can help you with that.'" Jay Leno

"With the big blizzard, everyone forgot that yesterday was Presidents' Day. Next Monday, it's a special holiday devoted to the Bushes One-Term Presidents' Day." David Letterman

"Two feet of snow fell in Washington, which is unusual. The good news is that between the federal holiday yesterday and the Bush economic plan, no one missed any work." Jay Leno

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." Craig Kilborn

"We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?" Jay Leno

"There's a new tape from Osama bin Laden saying he's going to martyr himself this year. Let's hope he has better luck killing himself than we've had." David Letterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem it's in North Korea." Jon Stewart

"In the latest tape, bin Laden has called for the destruction of America, opposition to the war in the Middle East and labels our government an evil crusader. Oh, that's not bin Laden. I'm sorry. That was the president of France." Jay Leno

"Some members of Congress are so upset with this thing with France that they want to impose trade sanctions against French products. They want to ban French products like Evian. You thought Hollywood celebrities were against the war before." Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." Jay Leno

"The federal government said today if you're caught outside near the explosion of a radioactive bomb, do not panic. Lie down on the ground and cover your head and if you can stay in this position for 14.2 million years, you'll be fine." Jay Leno

"As we all know, if you watched TV yesterday, Osama bin Laden dropped his new album yesterday. I gotta tell you, he had a lot of time to do it, and it showed very little growth, quite frankly. As an artist, I think he's over." Jon Stewart

"Why does listening to John Ashcroft make me feel like the world has already ended? If we're going to be warned about terrorism, can't it be by someone who actually makes us want to live?" Jon Stewart, on Ashcroft's announcement that America's terror alert level had been raised from yellow to orange

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." Jay Leno

"The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four." Jon Stewart

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" Jay Leno

"We're on an orange alert and it's really paying off. They rounded up that stoned Dell guy." David Letterman

"It's fashion week in New York and the city is on lavender alert. You can tell it's fashion week in New York. Today on the subway some guy measured my inseam." David Letterman

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." David Letterman

"President Bush is once again getting tough with Iraq. He said today we have to stop Saddam Hussein from playing hide-and-seek with his weapons. Hey, we can't even stop Michael Jackson from playing hide-and-seek with his weapons." Jay Leno

The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes." Jay Leno

"Earlier today the Department of Homeland Security raised the security level from yellow to orange or as they explained it to President Bush they changed the colors from Bert to Ernie." Conan O'Brien

"I'm hoping they don't raise the alert to the top, which is just a black square that says 'soil yourself.'" Craig Kilborn

"The U.S. is now offering safe haven for Saddam Hussein and his family if he wants to go into exile. It's the same deal the Democrats gave to Al Gore." David Letterman

"We have a program reminder from CBS. The War with Iraq premieres immediately following 'Becker.'" David Letterman

"This week the Pentagon released a 380 billion dollar budget this year that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war he'll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself." Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"After Colin Powell's presentation to the U.N. Security Council showing evidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photos nothing different than a cartoon film. They were undoubtedly referring to the popular Iraqi cartoon show, 'Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory Fun Bunch.'" Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" Craig Kilborn

"Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations Security Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furthered his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of PowerPoint." Jay Leno

"Powell told the Security Council that the Iraqis are very cunning when it comes to hiding weapons of mass destruction, and then he showed them satellite photos of a camel with a hallowed out hump." David Letterman

"Colin Powell was at the U.N. talking to the Security Council. He was very effective and made a pretty strong case. However, he still could not convince France, Russia, or Sean Penn. ... Colin Powell gave a thorough presentation. He even had proof that Saddam Hussein bet on baseball." David Letterman

"Iraqi intelligence is still confused on how we intercepted calls on phones made out of coffee cans and string." Craig Kilborn

"Earlier this evening former President Bill Clinton appeared on stage with the Rolling Stones at the Staple Center. At one point, Bill Clinton asked Mick Jagger to dedicate the song, 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction,' to Hillary." Jay Leno

"According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan." Jay Leno

"In today's New York Post a man who went to Oxford with former President Clinton claims that at the time both he and Clinton dated a woman who turned out to be a radical lesbian. After hearing this, President Clinton said, 'Yeah, but only one of us married her.'" Conan O'Brien

"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." Jay Leno

"It seems a lot of our soldiers are giving their sperm and then freezing it before they go off to war with Iraq. See, the good part about this is they are building up their hand-to-hand combat skills." Jay Leno

"They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch." David Letterman

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien

"The military has a plan to make it impossible for Iraq to know the exact time that we'll invade. Here's what we're going to do, a cable company is going to attack them between nine and four." Craig Kilborn

"A lot of U.S. servicemen are having their sperm frozen before going off to a possible war with Iraq. You know what this means, people? A guy in the army did more before 9 a.m. than I did all day." Conan O'Brien

"The school does not need 'regime change'" Bart Simpson, writing on the blackboard at the beginning of The Simpson's Feb. 2 episode

"The state of Texas executed its third prison inmate this week. This week. In fact, they don't even have a last meal anymore, now it's a buffet." Jay Leno

"Following Bush's speech came the Democratic response, which this year was given by Washington Governor Gary Locke because Wisconsin's Alderman Eugene Slasinski was busy." Jon Stewart

"A record number of Americans watched President Bush's speech the other night. Well, sure they watched it, it's not like they had jobs to go to the next day." Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton said he enjoyed the speech, not the context of it, just the fact he knew where Hillary was going to be for exactly one hour." Jay Leno

"I guess you know last night all the major networks carried the president's address including Fox, which surprised me because they called the speech 'George Billionaire.'" Jay Leno

"Several European countries are criticizing President Bush because during his speech last night he didn't use the word Europe once. In his defense the President said, 'I didn't use any words that begin with the letter Y.'" Conan O'Brien

"I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times by really big words." Jay Leno

"All of the major networks aired the State of the Union address, but NBC got the highest ratings. After the speech, NBC viewers said 'It was a good speech, but Martin Sheen looked horrible.'" Conan O'Brien

"Only one of nine Supreme Court justices showed up for President Bush's State of the Union address Tuesday night. When asked why they didn't make it the other justices said, 'Hey we made the guy President, what more does he want from us?'" Conan O'Brien

"To sum up Bush's tax breaks, it's good if you're a real millionaire, it's bad if you're Joe Millionaire." Craig Kilborn

"Next month Saddam Hussein plans to answer back in the State of the Crater speech." Craig Kilborn

"I just finished watching 'Confessions of a Dangerous Mind' tonight. That's right, President Bush's State of the Union address." Craig Kilborn

"Earlier this evening President Bush gave his State of Delusion address. Very upbeat, he said other than the economy, health care, education, crime and the war, we're in great shape. We got nothing to worry about. We're rolling. Actually this was a critical one for the president. They said he worked harder on this one than anything he's ever done before. In fact he worked day and part of the afternoon and then he went and cleared some brush." Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" Jay Leno

"Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped." Jon Stewart

"Russia and China are joining France and Germany in opposition to what they say is turning into war by President Bush. See, that's how smart Bush is. He's bringing the world together, he's a uniter not a divider." Jay Leno

"Russian President Vladamir Putin called President Bush this weekend and urged him to give U.N. weapons inspectors more time. President Bush agreed to delay the attack and then he winked so hard you could hear it over the phone." Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again. Now if you don't Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who cheated on his wife with a skinny girl." Jay Leno

"President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration would challenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it fundamentally flawed. It's nice to know that while juggling Iraq, North Korea and economic reform, the president still has time to stick it to the black man." Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused President Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond of it.'" Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." Jay Leno

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." Jay Leno

"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" Jay Leno

"The Bush administration says it will file a brief with the Supreme Court over the University of Michigan's affirmative action policy, saying it's wrong to determine acceptance based on race. Bush said acceptance should be based on fair things like what private school you went to, who's your dad, how much money you gave to the alumni fund." Jay Leno

"Five years ago President Bill Clinton said I did not have sex with that woman. Or, as we refer to it here, the golden age of comedy." David Letterman

"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today. Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater." Jay Leno

"President Bush has declared Sunday to be National Sanctity of Human Life Day. He said we have to protect the weak, the imperfect and the unwanted. But first, we have to give tax cuts to the rich." Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. It's now down to 58 percent. I'm not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein." Jay Leno

"This is kind of a weird deal because President Bush's approval ratings was like 100, 110% and all of a sudden it is starting to slide. It's down to 58% and you know what I'm thinking and I'm no political expert, political pundit, but what I'm thinking when I start to see that old approval rating starting to slip, you know what I'm thinking? Time for a sex scandal." David Letterman

"Over the weekend, outgoing Illinois Governor George Ryan pardoned the death sentences of 154 inmates. Not to be outdone, California Governor Gray Davis is giving Hollywood celebrities one free vehicular manslaughter." Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, Joe Lieberman will be joining us. You may remember him as the man who came this close to losing the vice presidency in 2000. But he won, so now he's not vice president." Jon Stewart

"Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he's going to run for president. The man is so dull, they're already talking about replacing him with Frank Lautenberg." Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval ratings are at 58 percent and they keep dropping a little bit at a time. Here's the difference, President Clinton, his approval ratings never went down. Now, his interns on the other hand." David Letterman

"If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy." Jay Leno

"They say the guy on the Joe Millionaire show is only worth $19,000. Well, that's not true. With the new Bush tax cut he's actually worth $19,400." David Letterman

"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications." Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"