Michele Marie Bachmann (born April 6, 1956) is a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota, a former Senator, a homophobe,
and a dick.
In addition to being a dick, Bachmann's track record has proven she is also a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that
makes you turn to your friend the moment she gets up to use the bathroom and mouth "She's craaaaaaazy," complete with hand
motions and bug-eyes.
While Bachmann has always been a local dick, she didn't come onto the national dick scene until the 2008 election when
she accused Barack Obama and many members of Congress of being "anti-American."
Like her pal Palin, Bachmann is deceptively attractive. While Palin is attractive in a "if she just put down that gun,
took off those glasses, and started forming complete sentences" sort of way, Bachmann has the whole girl next door thing working
for her. But only if you grew up next to an insane asylum.
Bachmann has claimed that many of her career moves have been dictated by messages from God. Abraham, Moses...Michele Bachmann.
That sounds about right.
In 1993, Bachmann helped open the New Heights Charter School in Stillwater, Minnesota. The school offered a standard curriculum.
You know, classes like biology, algebra, and creationism. Bachmann and the board of directors advocated that the "12 Christian
Principles" be taught. These are very similar to the commonly taught Bill of Rights, with the exception of the fact that teaching
them violates the First Amendment. Bachmann and other school officials also refused to allow an in-school screening of "Aladdin,"
feeling that it endorsed witchcraft and promoted paganism.
Bachmann appeared before the Stillwater School Board to address the parents' concerns. Standing by her beliefs, she challenged
them, asking, "Are you going to question my integrity?" They did. By the end of the meeting, Bachmann resigned. At the time,
this seemed like a triumphant victory for all logical people. However, her resignation afforded her the time to watch "Aladdin"
and study its black-magic teachings, skills she would later use when conducting her own witch-hunt of Congress.
In October 2008, Bachmann appeared on MSNBC's "Hardball" with Chris Matthews. When talking about Obama's association with
Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright, she stated he and his wife, Michelle, held anti-American views and couldn't be trusted in
the White House. She even called for the major newspapers of the country to investigate other members of Congress to "find
out if they are pro-America or anti-America." For the record, Bachmann defines "America" as "star, bars, and white people."
When asked which parts of the country were anti-American, Bachmann replied, "I don't think it's geography. I think it's
people who don't like America, who detest America." You know, the types of people that would organize a witch-hunt of Congress
and imply the future President is a terrorist. They can exist anywhere. Like Minnesota.
The reactions to her statements were overwhelmingly negative, with even Republicans distancing themselves from this crazy
lady. At the cemetery where Joe McCarthy is buried, a groundskeeper heard a questioning "Ummmmmm..." come from the grave of
the former Senator and Commie-Hunting dick.
Bachmann's statements were especially dickish, considering that calling someone "anti-American" is as original as a schoolyard
bully calling other kids "gay." Speaking of gays...
Opposition to gay rights
In 2003, Bachmann began her yearly assault on gay rights, proposing a constitutional amendment that would ban same-sex
marriage. In 2004, Bachmann and a coalition of religious leaders announced plans for what was billed as a "Minnesota for Marriage"
rally. Thousands of people attended, holding signs that read, "Gays Should Not Be Married, Dontchya Know."
Shocked that her views were not universal, Bachmann felt the need to investigate her opposition. At a 2005 protest of her
proposed constitutional ban of same-sex marriage, Bachmann and her cronies were actually seen hiding in the bushes, spying
on the rally. When reached for comment regarding the incident, Bachmann complained that her feet were sore, saying, "I had
high heels on and I just couldn't stand anymore. I was not in the bushes." The last part is true, as she was hiding behind
the bushes. Getting in them would just be insane. Bachmann later acknowledged that she was spying on the rally, but only because
she heard a "dirty rumor that they may screen 'Aladdin,' and 'Aladdin' can't get any gayer."
Bachmann has been on record saying that homosexuals specifically target children and that "our children...are the prize
for this community." This knowledge was accrued when Bachmann hid in the bushes during an annual Pedophiles and Homosexuals
Mixer where they laid out their plan to join forces and bring down society, specifically to spite Michele Bachmann.
During a 2005 community meeting in Scandia, Minnesota, Bachmann was seen running out of a public bathroom crying, "I was
being held against my will." In a report filed with the country sheriff, Bachmann claimed that two women "believed to be part
of a LGBT group" detained her in the bathroom. She apparently was terrified and feared for her life. The women in question
claimed they were simply making conversation with their local senator while waiting in line. The case was dismissed.
Michele Bachmann's stepsister is a lesbian.
On April Dick's Day of 2009, Bachmann focused her wrath on AmeriCorps, the federal government program that provides public
education for disadvantaged children and aid to the poor. Though it is viewed as a way to get young people involved in community
service, Bachmann, not surprisingly, does not approve of its existence.
"It's paying people to do work on behalf of government," she said. "There are provisions for what I would call re-education
camps for young people, where young people get trained in the philosophy the government puts forward and then they have to
go work in these politically correct forums." She then added,"As a parent, I would have a very, very difficult time seeing
my children do this."
In another one of life's wonderful ironies, Bachmann's son, Harrison, has recently joined one of AmeriCorps' larger branches,
Teach For America. While most of Bachmann's detractors have been thrilled to hear this, they may have jumped the gun. Clearly
this is part of Bachmann's elaborate plan. There's no way her son would defy her and join such a Communist institution. Obviously,
Harrison is so patriotic that he's joining Teach For America so he can infiltrate AmeriCorps and find all the anti-Americans.
This is one American who won't be brainwashed to think he can help others in need. He will bring justice!
Or at least that's what Michele has had to convince herself of. You know, because...