"Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican." President
Bush, on not taking questions at a photo opportunity with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien
"I may be the only mother in America who knows exactly what their child is up to all the time."
Barbara Bush, on her son, George W.
"Both President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their income tax figures for last
year. President Bush made $894,000. Dick Cheney made $36 million. The vice president made 40 times more than the president.
That doesn't seem right. It's not like Dick Cheney is 40 times smarter than ooohhh."
Jay Leno
"(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and
they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect
a president." Jay Leno
"On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing
Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and then translated. Then it was translated
into Chinese." Jimmy Fallon, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"The Bush family cat Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up early Tuesday morning wandering down
Hollywood's Avenue of the stars coked out of its mind." Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"In Washington earlier today, they had the annual White House Easter egg hunt. You know, where
they put the Easter eggs out on the lawn and the kids come out and run around and look for the Easter eggs. And something
actually fairly dramatic happened. One kid looking for Easter eggs found 800 missing Al Gore ballots." David Letterman
"The men and women from the U.S. spy plane in China landed in Hawaii earlier today and George
W. Bush, who is still pensive, said, yeah they are in Hawaii, but he is not going to rest until they are on U.S. soil." David Letterman
"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient
way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." George W. Bush, April 10, 2001
"George W. Bush, I'm telling you, this guy has no luck when it comes to China. Last night,
for example, he's out having dinner at a Chinese restaurant and they bring him the fortune cookie. He opens it up guess what it's another ballot for Al Gore." David Letterman
"George Bush's approval rating has dropped from 60% to 53%. It doesn't seem like that much
because it is like 7%, but this is the kind of thing that panics people in power. I am thinking to myself, 'What this guy
needs is a sex scandal.'" David Letterman
"President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will
not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out
so good." Jay Leno
"Sources say President Bush has sought counsel from his father during the ongoing spy plane
standoff with China. George Senior told his son that when it comes to dealing with Asian nations, you have to meet personally
with the country's leaders and vomit on them." Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's
"Weekend Update"
"Cheney Cloned President Has Nothing to Do
at All Now" George W. Bush, airing headlines he'd like to see in the future
"Yesterday the Bush Administration announced it was no longer going to test school lunches
for salmonella. Can you get more Republican than this? Screw these little weasel kids. So many people protested that they're
going to allow it again. I guess the Republican theory is, you don't have to test for salmonella because the arsenic in the
drinking water would kill the germs." Jay Leno
"You know this whole China thing, with the spy plane and the mounting tension and all that
stuff? I don't trust this George Bush because he looked at China on the map and saw that it was red and thought that it was
one of those states that voted Republican." David Letterman
"The situation with China is starting to get a little dicey. On the news tonight they said
that this could potentially hurt trade between the U.S. and China. Ooooh, trade! You gonna miss all that stuff from China?
Those little bamboo umbrellas? Maybe they'll stop sending us defective Pandas that don't even know how to mate." Jay Leno
"We got word today that our people are all fine. Everybody is alive. The crew is okay. But
they said today if the crew members are tried and convicted of spying by China, they could be sentenced to work for Nike."
Jay Leno
"They elected the symbol of ebonics to the presidency of this nation. There ain't no brother
in Oakland, or anywhere else, that would run the phrase or mix up the words the way this cat does. It raises serious questions
about whether he's really white." San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown
