NITE JOKES MAY 2003
"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ...
Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." Conan O'Brien
"According to the latest issue of Washingtonian magazine, Bill Clinton has decided
to run for mayor of New York City in 2005. It's perfect. The city who never sleeps with the man who sleeps with everyone."
"The Clintons are having their big barbecue. Bill gets out the spatula, he gets out the oven
mitts, the basting brush ... and then by God he's ready for sex." David Letterman
"As U.N. sanctions are lifted rumors are swirling in Baghdad that Saddam's son Uday is hiding
somewhere in the city maybe trying to negotiate his surrender with U.S. forces. They're not on the same page. Uday's last
offer was 'How about I come to the U.S. and torture your soccer team for free?'" Craig Kilborn
"Part of the plan to rebuild Iraq is to create an Iraqi stock market. Haven't these people
suffered enough." Craig Kilborn
"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic
government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country." Jay Leno
"Christie Todd Whitman, who is head of the EPA, has announced she is resigning at the end
of the month. President Bush was shocked. He didn't even know we had an Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know what
the EPA is? Their job is to protect the environment from President Bush." Jay Leno
"The former governor of New Jersey and the head of the environmental protection agency, Christine
Todd Whitman, has resigned. Did you hear about this? Two reasons: Bush felt she was too soft on decimating pristine wilderness
and she was too hung up on that breathable air issue." David Letterman
"White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced that he is leaving his job. After 21 years
of government Fleischer said he wants to lie in the private sector." Conan O'Brien
"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced hes resigning. He said, 'My heart tells
me it's time to go.' He's not leaving until July. Of course he's still a young guy. When Dick Cheney's heart tells him it's
time to go ... boom! It's time to go." Jay Leno
"The White House already hired a new guy. Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair will
be filling in. He can spin a story as good as the White House." Jay Leno
"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced today he will step down and into the
private sector. Who will now tell us that the economy is going great?" Conan O'Brien
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting
Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then
on page two, the trouble starts." Jay Leno
"By the way we have captured Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein earlier today. I guess it's
true, I read it in the New York Times." David Letterman
"The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands
to break the will of Saddam Hussein supporters to get them to talk. Theyre blaring heavy metal music at them. That should
make the artist feel pretty good, huh? Put your heart and soul into your last CD and the Army is using it to torture people."
"Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That's good news.
They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddam's three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested,
boy we are really making his life a living hell aren't we?" David Letterman
"The producers of the Matrix are very smart in getting it distributed around the world quickly.
What they did was they released it in China first. The government there denied it existed, and then it just spread everywhere."
"President Bush filed again to run in 2004. I believe his exact words were 'The fix is in.'...Actually,
this morning with zero percent of the vote in, Florida is declaring Bush the winner. It's just a formality now." Jay Leno
"The French ambassador to the U.S. has written an angry letter alleging that the U.S. is
engaging in a disinformation campaign of false stories. So, I guess they get the New York Times over there too." Jay
"Did you see what made this week's New York Times bestseller list for fiction? Did
you see it? It was the New York Times." David Letterman
"This week the New York Times made public the details of disgraced reporter Jayson
Blair, who was found to have made up or plagiarized dozens of articles for the venerable paper. The Times finally caught
Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield." Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's
"While giving a graduation speech last week, former President Clinton said that America needs
to lead the way in fighting infectious disease. Then Clinton went on to say, 'I'm serious, take a look at this rash.'" Conan
"Barbara Walters will interview Hillary Clinton. I've invented a drinking game for this.
You take a shot every time Barbara says oral sex." Craig Kilborn