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BUSH REUNION WITH HIS YALE CLASSMATES
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PRESIDENT WELCOMES ESTEEMED YALE CLASSMATES TO WHITE HOUSE SOUTH LAWN FOR FUN-FILLED DAY OF ORGIASTIC BACKSLAPPING, WASP DOMINANCE, AND NON-FAGGY ELEPHANT WALKS
Statement by the President

 

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Yale 68'ers, welcome to the Gamma Omega Pi fraternity HQ we like to call the White House! Five, six, seven eight - who do we appreciate?

CLASS OF '68: BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS!

THE PRESIDENT: That's right! How the hell are you boys? It's great to see you. Make yourselves comfy. Mi Casa Blanca es tu Casa Blanca. And I don't mean that figuratively either. Because without your vast personal fortunes earned off the stooped backs of state-schooled, luggage-hued insect people, the humble "C" student you see standing before you would still be slumming it with those sorry-assed rodeo monkeys back in Texas. (Applause.)

I really appreciate you boys coming down here and saving me the trip up to New Haven. Sorry for the inconvenience, but because Karl has invested a boatload of time in passing me off as coming from the heartland, he won't - excuse me, don't - let me be photographed in my blue-blooded Connecticut birthplace. True, I know today won't be the same without group projectile vomiting in the trough urinal at Mory's Temple Bar, but I've cooked up a little reunion itinerary that I think y'all are gonna enjoy anyhoo. So let's hit it!

(Executes Flawless Presidential Back Flip After Farting Into a Cheerleader's Megaphone.)

CLASS OF '68: Boola boola! Boola boola! Boola boola!

YALE CLASS OF 1968 WHITE HOUSE REUNION ITINERARY

9:00 am

Opening Prayer to the giver of all wealth and hereditary advantage that helps us beat the poor and poorly connected at this game we call life, the Lord Jesus Christ

9:05 am

Tap O'Doul's® Keg

9:07 am

Spike O'Douls® w/ Everclear® (SHHHHHH!)

9:10 am

Anheuser Bush® Sponsored Sixpack Funneling Olympics

11:30 am

Roundtable: War Profiteering & Influence Peddling: Am I Being Left Behind?

12:00 pm

$1,000/plate Oscar Myer® Cheesedog Picnic Lunch

1:00 pm

Pin the Tail on the Wetbacks Working on the Rose Garden Flowerbeds

1:30 pm

Illuminati Tug of War

2:00 pm

East Wing Secretarial Pool Panty Raid

2:30 pm

Whiny Homo Liberal Harvard Academic Dunk & Debasement

3:00 pm

Skull and Bones Ceremonial Revelry; Lincoln Bedroom Elephant Walk & Soggy Biscuit Tournament

3:30 pm

Group Discussion: Excessive Ill-Gotten Wealth & Power - "Is Enough Ever Really Enough?"

4:00 pm

Dick Cheney Anal Chug Extravaganza

4:30 pm

Bible Reading and Moment of Overt, Public Prayer

4:31 pm

Jell-O® Shooters

5:30 pm

$9,000/plate All-You-Can-Eat Domino's® Stuffed Crust, Swanson® Hungry ManTM Salisbury Steak and Laura's Cowboy Cookies

6:40 pm

French DOMESTIC 150-year-old Napoleon Brandy and Havanas 100% LEGAL Cigars With Labels Accidentally Removed

6:50 pm

Recess to Vomit and Change

7:00 pm

CONCERT: Campus A Cappella Sensations The Whiffenpoofs Present: The Complete Patriotic Works of Poet Laureate Lee Greenwood

10:45 pm

Open 1968 Time Capsule: Drop CIA-Grade LSD 25 Stashed in Moldy Copy of Le Petit Prince

11:00 pm

Teepee the North Lawn

11:30 pm

Bonfire & Naked Same-Sex Hot Oil Square Dancing

1:00 am

All-Night Power Rave With Your Hostesses Jenna and Barbara

2:00 am

Coccyx-Shattering Marathon Team Wedgie on Oliver Stone

4:00 am

After-After-Hours Tittyfest at Camelot

7:00 am

Sunrise Farewell Circle-Jerk

 

 

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