Things you have
to believe to be a Republican today
1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a
crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business
and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about
her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to
praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless
you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.
10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle
our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest
of the public at heart.
12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer
are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a
"we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15. A president lying about an extramarital affair
is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers
named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
18. You support states' rights, which means, Attorney
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country
is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.