Are you a loyal Homelander?

It was only a matter of time before it came to this, but all of us here in the Homeland might soon have to sign loyalty oaths. It has been talked about very secretly at the highest levels of the Bush administration, and very little has been written down. But we phoned everyone we knew and called in all our debts and were finally able to find out exactly what the Bush Administration is thinking we should swear our loyalty to. The following is what you can soon expect.

I (your name here) promise to adore and obey Trent Lott, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, Dennis Hastert, Tom DeLay, The FBI, CIA, NSC, etc., and to sing their praises loudly in public buildings (under God) everywhere. I affirm my loyalty to Commander In Chief and will always call him Commander In Chief because that better denotes his position in the universe and removes the stain of Florida from his ascension. I now accept that his wisdom and intellect surpasses my puniness and know I will get a migraine as punishment every time I try to comprehend his immense vision for us.

I accept my duty to reveal and denounce all secular humanists, for they are the Anti-Corporate and bring much harm to America by promoting ideas like alternative sources of fuel and veganism. I promise to buy two SUVs and report all those who don't. I promise to never walk to the store when I can get into my new SUV and drive there, because if all of us don't drive those few blocks, drilling in ANWR would be pointless.

I promise to write only complimentary letters to Republican legislators and to daily praise their nice haircuts and well-mannered spouses and children. I promise to get pregnant quickly and often, as those once flaky but now mainstream Republicans have always said we should, so that we can quickly grow (under God) and outnumber them that would destroy us. I will use more weed-killer on my lawn.

I affirm my loyalty to John Ashcroft and will sing all his songs. I will gladly submit many suspicious names to him of the Anti-Corporate: those who commute by bicycle or drink only spring water or look for the organic label, etc. Thank you, St. Ashcroft, for helping me see my errors, particularly my error in once learning a foreign language, for I now understand the wisdom of making anyone who is not us learn English.

I promise to gladly pay more taxes so CEOs everywhere can enjoy tax cuts, because they work hard for their money. I will also put my money back in the stock market so CEOs can grab it and build large homes with at least eight bathrooms in Aspen so their guests don't have to wait in line (under God) to pee.

I will never hire a trial lawyer and I will oppose government regulation of corporations because it is a burden and makes no sense in the sunlight of this new day in America when corporations have been reformed.

I promise to listen to and quote extensively from the sayings (under God) of Ari Fleischer. I will make no jokes about Harvey Pitt or William Webster because my Commander In Chief says they are good, honest and decent men.

I promise to watch Fox News always even when I'm asleep. I will quote Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity even when the occasion doesn't call for it so everyone can be smarter. Fox News only wants us in the Homeland to know more than them that would destroy us so that we can destroy them with a pure heart.

I promise to wear big belt buckles (under God) just like the Commander In Chief's so I can be more like him and less like my puniness. I will always from now on call America "The Homeland," because that is helping us win the war on terror by making us forget this is America. All this and more I will do (under God) for The Homeland.

(Sign and date here)