Eight things I blame
on Bill Clinton
Boy, that Clinton magic is some powerful stuff. Fourteen
months after he left office, its power is still keeping George Bush the Unelected from saving the world. No wonder Bennett,
Kristol, The Wall Street Journal editorial page, etc. are still so angry at Clinton: They all think (so does George) that
Clinton's to blame for the mess in the Middle East.
I hate to say this, but they could be right. I have
some personal experience with that Clinton magic, and it is potent indeed. What follows is what happened to me in the last
few days; read it and you'll see that Clinton is screwing up my life, too, not just George's. Maybe then you'll feel a little
sorry for George (and me).
things I blame on Bill Clinton
how the Clinton magic ruined my life
I got a speeding ticket and went to court last week and told the judge that it wasn't my fault, it's that damned Clinton
magic. The judge, a Republican, understood, dismissed the charge, and yelled at the police officer.
As a result of my court appearance, I was late to work and told my boss I could not accept responsibility for being
late. That was Clinton's fault anyone could see that the air was filled with his magic. My boss admitted that the air was
indeed filled with magic and said it was OK, not even Harry Potter could fight this.
I was elated and decided to press my luck, hoping the Clinton magic would remain there for me. I asked for a raise.
But my boss, realizing I had been there six months and could be replaced by someone he wouldn't have to pay as much because
they wouldn't have all that seniority, fired me.
I called the bank and told them it wasn't my fault that my checks bounced, because I had just lost my job. These things
are outside my control, there's too much magic in the air. Bankers are Republicans, aren't they? They'll know what I mean.
So I told them that Clinton was boiling bats' ears and spiders' legs to brew a spell that would cripple the Bush administration
and lead to horrible things. Trouble is, I explained, Clinton is a novice at conjuring spells and so some of that magic is
coming directly at me and making me do things I normally don't do, like bounce checks. The bank agreed, apologized for charging
too much for all their fees, and said they'd straighten it all out.
That night, I was on a date with a beautiful woman. I was working my magic on her, to which she was tres receptive.
Wine, great food, witty conversation. I'm kind of good looking, too, although in a unique, chubby, balding sort of way, and
soon she was ripping my clothes off. Great, I thought. But then . . . oops, I couldn't perform. Too much wine? No, that's
never happened before. It's that damned Clinton magic. I told her this, and she just looked at me confused. What's Clinton
got to do with it? she asked and then left. Damn.
Damn that Clinton. His magic made me oversleep, so I was late to my job interview to be assistant to the assistant
to the assistant manager at the 7-11. It's a very important job its main duties are to make sure everything is done slowly
so the line is always long. Turns out they hired me because I was late, which proved to them I have that something special
they are always looking for in employees.
Hate my job Clinton's fault. If Clinton hadn't made me oversleep, I never would have gotten the job. The first day
there, I screwed up in a big way. I charged some people for gas they never bought, and overcharged others just because I don't
know how to work the cash register. Didn't know how to do anything, actually, but customers didn't care. By the time they
got to the cash register, they were all so glad the line finally moved, they'd pay anything to get out of there. So the light
bulb went on in my head and I saw a way to put extra cash in my pocket.
So now I'm in jail. Clinton's fault. They say I extorted money from people in line, telling them they'd have to pay
a little extra if they wanted the line to keep moving. Did I do that? I don't remember. But I know I just can't fight all
the magic in the air. Damn that Clinton. I just hope I get the same judge I had earlier.