Oh my yes. What whimpering, unadulterated
embarrassment the anti-war protesters must now feel, what heaping mountains of crow we must all imbibe. This is the general
sentiment, the snickering attitude hissing from the Right like hot spittle spraying all over your nuanced perspective.
Hail the great victor BushCo! Ha! The U.S.
kicked ass! Who's your daddy, beeyatch? Thump thump thump on the manly chest of great liberator America! Liberals suck! Go,
war! It's Miller Time.
Yes, justifiably do the war zealots gloat.
See how our multibillion-dollar high-tech superpower ordnance annihilated the little scrawny pip-squeak nation! See how we
barely even broke a multibillion-dollar sweat!
Whoever dared doubt our brawn should be immediately
hanged and castrated and laughed at and called many violently homophobic names and run over with a big bitchin' Ford Expedition!
We must admit it: The hawks and warmongers
were right about Iraq all along. The peaceniks had it all wrong, what with our lame pacifist whining about thousands of needless
deaths and BushCo's mad rush for oil and vicious regional control and its bloody long-term plan to strong-arm the Middle East
for the administration's corporate wet dreams. Nope, that didn't happen at all.
Why, look what a nice, bloodless war we just
executed. So fun, so easy, so painless, so made-for-TV. Almost makes you wonder why we don't just keep right on going, maintain
that momentum, some sort of ultraviolent mutation of Newton's law -- i.e., a rabidly power-mad body in motion stays in motion
-- only with more decapitations and limbless children. Cool.
Damn, if only Syria were acting up just a
little bit more. We'd take those sonsofbitches down, boy! Lebanon, too! And Egypt. North Korea. Who's next, baby? Who wants
a piece of this? Bring it!
True enough, the actual battle in Iraq barely
lasted a month. Take that, lame hippie war protesters! Take that, losers who said it would drag on forever but let's not mention
the months and years and thousands of American soldiers and billions in taxpayer dough it will take to try to stabilize this
ultraviolent U.S.-hating region from now on!
Let us not mention that no one ever doubted
the U.S. military could destroy Iraq. Let us not mention the war the peaceniks referred to all along was about hate, and religion,
and power, and was far larger and deadlier and more culturally deleterious than any meager battle for Baghdad. No no no. Bush
rules! We won! Just wave the flag right in the face of the damn peace-lovin' hippies!
Yessir, that'll show us not to speak of the
bitter international precedent we have now set for unprovoked global rogue warmongering. Coupla well-placed cluster bombs'll
shut us all right up, boy.
Speak not of the seething rage America's
actions have now hammered into the Islamic mind-set, loser liberals! Especially not of the newfound hate spreading like poison
among them gul-dang fundamentalist terrorist cells who are right now experiencing a flush of new sign-ups, a record influx
of America-loathing volunteers. Shut up about that! We won the war! Done! Over! Look no further! Repercussions are for wimps!
Damn liberals and their incessant "big picture"
crapola. Do they not see the heartwarming photos? That amazing and poignant (staged) bogus PR shot of the giant Saddam statue
being (staged) pulled down by a tiny crowd of (staged) cheering Iraqis, with -- what an amazing coincidence! -- the actual U.S. flag that flew at the
Pentagon on 9/11 being (staged) draped around it? How can those pacifist freaks not be moved by that? Clearly, God loves America
more than anyone.
And another thing the damn liberals were
all wrong about? Death! All praise Rummy and BushCo for keeping civilian causalities to a minimum during the war!
Yessir, we slaughtered but a fraction of
what we imagined we would in those worst-case scenarios, killed only a few thousand Iraqi civilians and merely tens of thousands
of young, stupefied Iraqi soldiers, as oppose to the hundreds of thousands we were all prepared to kill if Baghdad had resisted
like we thought it would. We had the murderous cluster bombs all ready and everything. Damn.
And only what, about 125 dead American GIs
so far? That was so totally worth it! The world is safer! Freedom is restored! Just look at all that staggering and irrefutable
evidence we have now uncovered that proves what a dire threat Saddam was to our nubile happy American virgins as well as the
security of the entire world! Ha! See?
See all those nasty WMDs? Those sprawling
nuclear facilities? The huge biotoxin factories? The Saddam Club for al Qaeda members? See? No? Oh. Well, we'll find them!
Just you wait. Saddam probably saw us coming and moved them all into Syria. Yeah! That's what happened! Syria! Those bastards!
Peacenik dinks. Who's laughing now? The country
loves its little Bush! He can do no wrong! His approval ratings are sky high! Just like his daddy's were right after Desert
Right before they nosedived to the lowest
of any president in history? Right before the numbness of that vile little war wore off and everyone suddenly realized just
how thoroughly and systematically and deliberately Bush Sr. had screwed the nation, massive deficits and mind-numbing recessions
and sky-high unemployment and lousy schools and bashed women's rights and global anti-U.S. resentment and more tax cuts for
the rich. Sound familiar?
Right. Well. Never mind all that now. Dubya
rules! We won! War was justified! You liberal scumsuckers sure look like fools now, boy!
And Dubya is gonna follow exactly in his
proud daddy's footsteps! Just you watch! Lose everything and embarrass the nation even further and prove himself to be a miserably
dense and out-of-touch leader who's gutted the nation's coffers in the name of his WASP mafia cronies! Ha! Damn liberal scum.
Man, were you ever wrong!
Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SF Gate, unless it appears on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which
it never does. He also writes the Morning Fix, a deeply skewed thrice-weekly e-mail column and newsletter. Subscribe at sfgate.com/newsletters.